Happy!!

So many things have happened in the last month, I am not sure where to start. First, I have to give God all the praise and glory. With out him I am sure I would not be where I am right now. I am so very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life! If it weren't for you all I am sure I would not have gotten though the first part of January, but I did and have learned more about myself. So thank you for you support and love. In mid January I started talking to someone, he has become so much more. We chatted for a while before he asked me out on a date. I can honestly say it was the best date that I have ever been on. I wasn't sure what to except because to be honest I don't remember the last time I went on a date and didn't have to pay for something. He paid for everything! Though I was ready to pay for some of the date. And from that moment we have become a couple! There isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk, wait we talk about 4 or more times a day. This has helped our relationship in so many ways. Because he lives and hour and half away from me talking on the phone or Skype is all we have during the week. We always have something to talk about, it is so nice to be able to talk to someone and get to know who they are. This is how I have always dreamed how it would be when I dated someone. Yes it is nice to be with him in person and I love every second we have together, but I love the fact that we can just talk and get to know each other too. I am so very blessed to have him in my life. We have spend every weekend together sense our first date! The time we have together is so sweet and wonderful. I am excited for the future!!

On January 31, 2011 I became officially divorced!! It took 10 months, but it now is over! I want to thank each and everyone of you who have prayed, supported, loved, and listened to me and William! We are so blessed to have all of you in our life! God has softened my heart and has showed me that I need to be able to talk to my ex husband so that William can be as happy as he can be with divorced parents. Though it is still hard to talk to William's dad I do it. I do it for William. William is and always will be my number one in my life! No matter what!

With all this going on in my life, I can say for the first time in a long time I am completely happy with myself and my life. It has taken a very long time to get to this place and to just be happy with what God has given me. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me. What ever it is I will take on and will do so with a smile on my face! Thanks again for your love, support and most of all your prayers!

Struggling.....

I wish there was an easy button to deal with the pain I have in my heart right now. Its been almost two weeks sense the unexpected break up and I still have pain and heartache. I still have no answers and I never will. That is what hurts the most is that I have no reason for this to have happened. I know things were hard, but it can't be perfect all the time. I don't know how to heal for this. Its hard to close a chapter of your life if you don't know what went wrong. I am afraid to date for fear that the next guy will do the something. Though I do feel I am much better with out him then with him. The heartache is still there. There are some days I don't think about him at all.. there are others that he is on my mind a lot. I have more days then bad because I know that God has the perfect man of there for me. I just don't want to repeat what I am going though now. It sucks!! Just putting it out there.. never in my life have I ever struggled over a break up as I have this one. Maybe its the because I really truly loved him, and believe that we were going to be together forever. But looking back what I loved was the lie, the lie that was going to be my dream to stay home to be a mom and wife... the lie that money would never be an issue.. the lie that he loved me .. the lie that there was money coming... It sucks!!
I am thankful that this happened now and not when I married a lie. I am thankful that my son is happier now and that our relationship is better then it was. I am thankful that I have a wonderful family and church family and friends. I am thankful that God is healing my heart, though it maybe slow healing, it is healing. There have been many tears over the last couple weeks, though he is worth the tears, the tears need to be shed to heal. God is crying with me because I feel that he had given me signs way before this happened but I didn't want to hear them because i was in love... God though let me do this but was always was right there never far from me. More then ever i am hanging on to God and listening more. I took control over my life instead of letting God do it.. I now know that I shouldn't to it... but I am sure that it will happen again.. Why is it hard sometimes to let God take the control and not question him. Is it because we think we know what is right or is it because we don't always what to hear what God is saying. Whatever the case maybe I am glad that God is there to help pick the pieces up and hold us again.
To say that I am scared to date again wouldn't be a lie.. I am very scared to even think about it. I am scared to be hurt again. I am scared that I make the wrong choice.. Though when I do decided that I am truly ready I have decided that things will go really slow.. and no man is going to meet my angel boy until I know that he is the one for me. So that means that whom ever I date will only get to see me every other weekend for a while and he has to be ok with that. Time heals all wounds and that is what I need is time... I am ready to move on and heal... Its the time thing that I hate about it... but time is what I need right now...

The Break up story.......

So first let me give you all a little back round.. some history... with out given to much of his personal life away...
So things haven't been going as smooth as they could have been the last week or so. We had all but stopped talking to each other starting about Sunday night. Things didn't change over the next couple days so I told him that we needed to talk because I couldn't take it anymore. And so we talked for a min or two the first time. He got mad and left my room. So i thought OK give him some time. Then next night I sent him a message on face book saying we must talk before you go to work. so we did I told him how i was feeling about things and that I didn't like that i was walking on eggshells in my own house. We decided that he should leave for a while so that we could have some time away. Sounded like a good plan to me. He said that he was going home to take care of some issues that he never dealt with. I thought that was a great idea that way he could close that chapter of his life and start a new one. Speed up to yesterday morning.... I get up and take him to Indy so that he could get on a greyhound and go "home" because that is where he told me he was going. On the way down we talked about him coming back in a couple weeks to visit and talked about me going down and visiting him. Sounds good huh? We got to the bust station and he said i don't want you to come in it is just going to make it harder on us. I agreed with him, because i was holding back tears as it was. So we said our goodbyes in the parking lot he hugged me and kissed me and said I love you and I will call you or contact you some how when i get "home". He called me on my way home, we talked for a few a bit and he said to me again that he loved me and would see me in a few weeks. ... OK fast forward to last night (Friday) night. I logged into face book checking things out talking to a friend. Then I decided that I would check my profile page, and noticed that his name was gone and that the relationship status said in a relationship... I thought what is going on.. so I did a search for him thinking maybe he just befriended me because he wanted some space.. so when the search came up as nothing.. I was in shock... He has blocked me for his page!!! I was shocked and dumbfounded!!! I asked my friend to do a search also and he came up with nothing.. so then OK maybe he just deleted his face book.. then i got a bright idea... so this might get confusing sorry.. so I had my friend do a search for one of his friends and look and see if he was on her page.. make sense.. good.. and he was on her friends list.. that is when it really hit me that he had blocked me!!! SO still in shock.. my shock turned in to being pissed.. my friend was shocked to and couldn't believe that this is how he would tell me it was over .. I have never in my life been so shocked and pissed about something .. Yes my heart hurts, but I believe that he didn't go home like he said he was, but went to be with this woman friend of his. Now I don't know if that is the truth or not, but why would you block someone you are dating even if you are taking a break?!?!?! It doesn't make sense to do that to me. SO I took this as he was breaking up with me.. I wish i had the answers as to why he did this way.. or why didn't he just say to me.. I want to break up I don't think this will work out. That seems easier to me then to block me... but maybe this is his way of dealing with things is to run from it.. i don't know.. so there is the break up story for the records... thanks for you love and support!!!

OH 2010......

2010.. Oh what a year!!! From the lows of lows to the highs of highs and everything in between its been a year. So many things have happened a divorce... a move.... a new school for my son.. and new love... From not wanting God to control my life to failing on my knees and praying God take the control back. Its been a year. Never in my dreams would i ever feel so alone in 2010, but always knew that God was there. Never in my dreams did i think that I would be ever going though a divorce... never in my dreams did i think I would be dating again ... The struggle of life never seems easy,but God makes it easy when you let him lead you. I am blessed to have a family who has supported and wiped my tears. I couldn't have asked for a better family. WE may not always get along, but we are family and I love them so very much. My church family, wow, they are the best, just like family the love and support me though the good and ugly times they love me and my son. God knew what he was doing when He put me in my Sunday School class, one word for that class... AWESOME!!! Never have I felt so supported and loved! In the last few months I have felt like I have lost focus on God, but in the new year I am going to refocus myself ... going to grow in my faith .. listen to God more.. I am ready for whatever he has in store for me.

I just want to thank again my family, my church family, and my special someone in my life for supporting me and loving me right where I was and am...

ITS DONE!!!!

I have been waiting for this day for nine months! The papers have been signed and turned into the judge. I am divorced. Its not been an easy year for me or my son. But with all the love and support that we have gotten I feel blessed in so many ways. Today starts a new life for my son and I, a life that is filled with love and fun. Thank you for all your love, support and prayers! I am so very blessed with a loving family and friends. I can't wait to see what God has in store next for me!! May God bless you all this Christmas season!

Life isn't so simple....

Life never seems as easy as it seems. I thought that I had things figured out or at least going in the right direction until last night (Thursday). It hasn't been as easy week, so last night i lost it. My temper got the best of me, and I took out on the one person that has done nothing but love me. I felt like crap the rest of the night because I upset the one person that who was just trying to help me. It never fails that I can mess something up because instead of just staying calm I blow up. I don't always deal with stress in the best way possible, I tend to let things build up and blow up and then I am fine. This should have never happened last night. Yes I was upset with what was going on, and I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I didn't and I paid the price. I wish i could take it back but I can't, I just need to pick up the pieces as they lay and try to put them back together and pray that I will come out of this a stronger, more faithful woman. Though I am not sure what God's plan is, I am not sure I how on board I am with him right now. Don't get me wrong, I still putting my faith in God, I am just not 100% on board with the plan he is giving me. I believe that God's plan is the right one, I just questioning why things are happening they way they are. I want so bad to just have a simple life, you know one that isn't so complicated. A life with little to no stress, a life that there isn't arguing, random blow ups. Is there a life like that? I believe that there is when you let God guide you 100% of the time. But why can't I just let God do his work and I just go with the flow? Is it because I want to control what is going on in my life, or is it I can't give up control? What ever the case maybe I am praying that I can just listen to God, and not try to do things my way, because my way isn't working so well for me. If there is one thing I know that is my way is never always the right way. So I am going to try and listen to God and let him guide me and try not to go against what his plan is for me.





Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

33 years young... year in review

Saturday I turned a year older! I am happy to report that 33 strangely feels like 32. Ha ha. I also thought about the this past year and how I have changed so much. So a year in review sounded like a good idea..

So about one year ago the ex and I decided that it was over. The last week that we had to live together was a night mare for me. Though I would like to talk about it with you all I still can't do it. There are still very raw emotions about that week. That week I felt as though God had turned his head on me, but to later find out he was hurting right along with me. In my darkest time God held me in his hands and loved me just the same. Today, I am a stronger person and have a deeper relationship with God.

In three weeks my brother will be celebrating his second chance at life! On November 6, 2009 my brothers life change forever! Andy had open heart surgery on that day. God saw it fit that Andy life was not done here on earth! Andy had a heart value replaced that day and 11 months later he is living a new life! Andy has a closer relationship with God! And for that I feel God have blessed us yet again. I can remember that day as if it just happened. God so present that day in everything we did. When it was time for Andy to go back to the OR I felt God there in his room holding us close and telling me my child everything is going to be ok. No crying your father has his hands in this. I felt this claiming come over me that I have not felt in a long time. I knew in that moment that Andy was going to make it and that his life would be forever change!

As Andy healed and got better, I got worse in that fact that I was dealing with what was going to be the hardest Christmas I have ever faced. Last Christmas I didn't have my son with me, he was with his father. The weeks building up to it were the hardest for me. I didn't want to shop for William. I couldn't handle the fact that my life would be different forever. In the 7 years I have had William I have never spent a holiday with out him, and I was not handling it well. I grow depressed and withdrew from a lot of people. I became someone I am not. In fact, I hated who I was then. I hated that I was mean and said things that I would never say. I felt God had yet again turned away from me. I was falling and it wasn't stopping and I wanted out. I wanted to be me again, but could seem to get things under control. God had a reason for this and all I wanted was for it to stop. This falling lasted for a long while after Christmas. It wasn't until February that I hit rock bottom. And when I did hit it, God was there to pick me up dust me off. It was then that God said to me, My child why did you turn from me, I have been holding my hand out to you to grab and you didn't why not. And in that moment I cried because I was so wrapped up in making those around me feel just like I did, that I didn't even see the hand trying to pull me out.

In March I filed for divorce.. enough said.
Over the next few months I got back on track with my life and started to really pray and ask God to give me signs that I needed to see. If there is one thing I know for sure that is that God will never let you down. You are your own worse enemy! When my life didn't go as planned I turned from the one who has my life plan. God is always listening, watching, helping, showing, loving. You just have to be listening and letting God take the wheel so to speak. This life isn't mine its Gods to control and plan. I just have to listen!!

So after I decided to let God back in, things turned for me and the weight on my shoulders seemed to have been lifted. I was loving my life again, and just letting God lead me. I felt like me again like the person I was many years ago. It was nice. In July I met this guy, whom is now my boyfriend, that has blessed my life in more ways! God knows right when the perfect time is to throw someone in your life. Well, not throw, but place. N has been so wonderful to William and I, we have so much fun together. William is about whatever N does he has to also. Its great to see it.
So a year in review... God has pulled me though some of the toughest things in my life, and I am happy to be in a deeper relationship with him now! God likes to test me every once in a while and now I know his hand is right there for me to grab!!
I leave you this this verse.. my favorite verse!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9