Happy!!

So many things have happened in the last month, I am not sure where to start. First, I have to give God all the praise and glory. With out him I am sure I would not be where I am right now. I am so very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life! If it weren't for you all I am sure I would not have gotten though the first part of January, but I did and have learned more about myself. So thank you for you support and love. In mid January I started talking to someone, he has become so much more. We chatted for a while before he asked me out on a date. I can honestly say it was the best date that I have ever been on. I wasn't sure what to except because to be honest I don't remember the last time I went on a date and didn't have to pay for something. He paid for everything! Though I was ready to pay for some of the date. And from that moment we have become a couple! There isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk, wait we talk about 4 or more times a day. This has helped our relationship in so many ways. Because he lives and hour and half away from me talking on the phone or Skype is all we have during the week. We always have something to talk about, it is so nice to be able to talk to someone and get to know who they are. This is how I have always dreamed how it would be when I dated someone. Yes it is nice to be with him in person and I love every second we have together, but I love the fact that we can just talk and get to know each other too. I am so very blessed to have him in my life. We have spend every weekend together sense our first date! The time we have together is so sweet and wonderful. I am excited for the future!!

On January 31, 2011 I became officially divorced!! It took 10 months, but it now is over! I want to thank each and everyone of you who have prayed, supported, loved, and listened to me and William! We are so blessed to have all of you in our life! God has softened my heart and has showed me that I need to be able to talk to my ex husband so that William can be as happy as he can be with divorced parents. Though it is still hard to talk to William's dad I do it. I do it for William. William is and always will be my number one in my life! No matter what!

With all this going on in my life, I can say for the first time in a long time I am completely happy with myself and my life. It has taken a very long time to get to this place and to just be happy with what God has given me. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me. What ever it is I will take on and will do so with a smile on my face! Thanks again for your love, support and most of all your prayers!

Struggling.....

I wish there was an easy button to deal with the pain I have in my heart right now. Its been almost two weeks sense the unexpected break up and I still have pain and heartache. I still have no answers and I never will. That is what hurts the most is that I have no reason for this to have happened. I know things were hard, but it can't be perfect all the time. I don't know how to heal for this. Its hard to close a chapter of your life if you don't know what went wrong. I am afraid to date for fear that the next guy will do the something. Though I do feel I am much better with out him then with him. The heartache is still there. There are some days I don't think about him at all.. there are others that he is on my mind a lot. I have more days then bad because I know that God has the perfect man of there for me. I just don't want to repeat what I am going though now. It sucks!! Just putting it out there.. never in my life have I ever struggled over a break up as I have this one. Maybe its the because I really truly loved him, and believe that we were going to be together forever. But looking back what I loved was the lie, the lie that was going to be my dream to stay home to be a mom and wife... the lie that money would never be an issue.. the lie that he loved me .. the lie that there was money coming... It sucks!!
I am thankful that this happened now and not when I married a lie. I am thankful that my son is happier now and that our relationship is better then it was. I am thankful that I have a wonderful family and church family and friends. I am thankful that God is healing my heart, though it maybe slow healing, it is healing. There have been many tears over the last couple weeks, though he is worth the tears, the tears need to be shed to heal. God is crying with me because I feel that he had given me signs way before this happened but I didn't want to hear them because i was in love... God though let me do this but was always was right there never far from me. More then ever i am hanging on to God and listening more. I took control over my life instead of letting God do it.. I now know that I shouldn't to it... but I am sure that it will happen again.. Why is it hard sometimes to let God take the control and not question him. Is it because we think we know what is right or is it because we don't always what to hear what God is saying. Whatever the case maybe I am glad that God is there to help pick the pieces up and hold us again.
To say that I am scared to date again wouldn't be a lie.. I am very scared to even think about it. I am scared to be hurt again. I am scared that I make the wrong choice.. Though when I do decided that I am truly ready I have decided that things will go really slow.. and no man is going to meet my angel boy until I know that he is the one for me. So that means that whom ever I date will only get to see me every other weekend for a while and he has to be ok with that. Time heals all wounds and that is what I need is time... I am ready to move on and heal... Its the time thing that I hate about it... but time is what I need right now...

The Break up story.......

So first let me give you all a little back round.. some history... with out given to much of his personal life away...
So things haven't been going as smooth as they could have been the last week or so. We had all but stopped talking to each other starting about Sunday night. Things didn't change over the next couple days so I told him that we needed to talk because I couldn't take it anymore. And so we talked for a min or two the first time. He got mad and left my room. So i thought OK give him some time. Then next night I sent him a message on face book saying we must talk before you go to work. so we did I told him how i was feeling about things and that I didn't like that i was walking on eggshells in my own house. We decided that he should leave for a while so that we could have some time away. Sounded like a good plan to me. He said that he was going home to take care of some issues that he never dealt with. I thought that was a great idea that way he could close that chapter of his life and start a new one. Speed up to yesterday morning.... I get up and take him to Indy so that he could get on a greyhound and go "home" because that is where he told me he was going. On the way down we talked about him coming back in a couple weeks to visit and talked about me going down and visiting him. Sounds good huh? We got to the bust station and he said i don't want you to come in it is just going to make it harder on us. I agreed with him, because i was holding back tears as it was. So we said our goodbyes in the parking lot he hugged me and kissed me and said I love you and I will call you or contact you some how when i get "home". He called me on my way home, we talked for a few a bit and he said to me again that he loved me and would see me in a few weeks. ... OK fast forward to last night (Friday) night. I logged into face book checking things out talking to a friend. Then I decided that I would check my profile page, and noticed that his name was gone and that the relationship status said in a relationship... I thought what is going on.. so I did a search for him thinking maybe he just befriended me because he wanted some space.. so when the search came up as nothing.. I was in shock... He has blocked me for his page!!! I was shocked and dumbfounded!!! I asked my friend to do a search also and he came up with nothing.. so then OK maybe he just deleted his face book.. then i got a bright idea... so this might get confusing sorry.. so I had my friend do a search for one of his friends and look and see if he was on her page.. make sense.. good.. and he was on her friends list.. that is when it really hit me that he had blocked me!!! SO still in shock.. my shock turned in to being pissed.. my friend was shocked to and couldn't believe that this is how he would tell me it was over .. I have never in my life been so shocked and pissed about something .. Yes my heart hurts, but I believe that he didn't go home like he said he was, but went to be with this woman friend of his. Now I don't know if that is the truth or not, but why would you block someone you are dating even if you are taking a break?!?!?! It doesn't make sense to do that to me. SO I took this as he was breaking up with me.. I wish i had the answers as to why he did this way.. or why didn't he just say to me.. I want to break up I don't think this will work out. That seems easier to me then to block me... but maybe this is his way of dealing with things is to run from it.. i don't know.. so there is the break up story for the records... thanks for you love and support!!!

OH 2010......

2010.. Oh what a year!!! From the lows of lows to the highs of highs and everything in between its been a year. So many things have happened a divorce... a move.... a new school for my son.. and new love... From not wanting God to control my life to failing on my knees and praying God take the control back. Its been a year. Never in my dreams would i ever feel so alone in 2010, but always knew that God was there. Never in my dreams did i think that I would be ever going though a divorce... never in my dreams did i think I would be dating again ... The struggle of life never seems easy,but God makes it easy when you let him lead you. I am blessed to have a family who has supported and wiped my tears. I couldn't have asked for a better family. WE may not always get along, but we are family and I love them so very much. My church family, wow, they are the best, just like family the love and support me though the good and ugly times they love me and my son. God knew what he was doing when He put me in my Sunday School class, one word for that class... AWESOME!!! Never have I felt so supported and loved! In the last few months I have felt like I have lost focus on God, but in the new year I am going to refocus myself ... going to grow in my faith .. listen to God more.. I am ready for whatever he has in store for me.

I just want to thank again my family, my church family, and my special someone in my life for supporting me and loving me right where I was and am...

ITS DONE!!!!

I have been waiting for this day for nine months! The papers have been signed and turned into the judge. I am divorced. Its not been an easy year for me or my son. But with all the love and support that we have gotten I feel blessed in so many ways. Today starts a new life for my son and I, a life that is filled with love and fun. Thank you for all your love, support and prayers! I am so very blessed with a loving family and friends. I can't wait to see what God has in store next for me!! May God bless you all this Christmas season!

Life isn't so simple....

Life never seems as easy as it seems. I thought that I had things figured out or at least going in the right direction until last night (Thursday). It hasn't been as easy week, so last night i lost it. My temper got the best of me, and I took out on the one person that has done nothing but love me. I felt like crap the rest of the night because I upset the one person that who was just trying to help me. It never fails that I can mess something up because instead of just staying calm I blow up. I don't always deal with stress in the best way possible, I tend to let things build up and blow up and then I am fine. This should have never happened last night. Yes I was upset with what was going on, and I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I didn't and I paid the price. I wish i could take it back but I can't, I just need to pick up the pieces as they lay and try to put them back together and pray that I will come out of this a stronger, more faithful woman. Though I am not sure what God's plan is, I am not sure I how on board I am with him right now. Don't get me wrong, I still putting my faith in God, I am just not 100% on board with the plan he is giving me. I believe that God's plan is the right one, I just questioning why things are happening they way they are. I want so bad to just have a simple life, you know one that isn't so complicated. A life with little to no stress, a life that there isn't arguing, random blow ups. Is there a life like that? I believe that there is when you let God guide you 100% of the time. But why can't I just let God do his work and I just go with the flow? Is it because I want to control what is going on in my life, or is it I can't give up control? What ever the case maybe I am praying that I can just listen to God, and not try to do things my way, because my way isn't working so well for me. If there is one thing I know that is my way is never always the right way. So I am going to try and listen to God and let him guide me and try not to go against what his plan is for me.





Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

33 years young... year in review

Saturday I turned a year older! I am happy to report that 33 strangely feels like 32. Ha ha. I also thought about the this past year and how I have changed so much. So a year in review sounded like a good idea..

So about one year ago the ex and I decided that it was over. The last week that we had to live together was a night mare for me. Though I would like to talk about it with you all I still can't do it. There are still very raw emotions about that week. That week I felt as though God had turned his head on me, but to later find out he was hurting right along with me. In my darkest time God held me in his hands and loved me just the same. Today, I am a stronger person and have a deeper relationship with God.

In three weeks my brother will be celebrating his second chance at life! On November 6, 2009 my brothers life change forever! Andy had open heart surgery on that day. God saw it fit that Andy life was not done here on earth! Andy had a heart value replaced that day and 11 months later he is living a new life! Andy has a closer relationship with God! And for that I feel God have blessed us yet again. I can remember that day as if it just happened. God so present that day in everything we did. When it was time for Andy to go back to the OR I felt God there in his room holding us close and telling me my child everything is going to be ok. No crying your father has his hands in this. I felt this claiming come over me that I have not felt in a long time. I knew in that moment that Andy was going to make it and that his life would be forever change!

As Andy healed and got better, I got worse in that fact that I was dealing with what was going to be the hardest Christmas I have ever faced. Last Christmas I didn't have my son with me, he was with his father. The weeks building up to it were the hardest for me. I didn't want to shop for William. I couldn't handle the fact that my life would be different forever. In the 7 years I have had William I have never spent a holiday with out him, and I was not handling it well. I grow depressed and withdrew from a lot of people. I became someone I am not. In fact, I hated who I was then. I hated that I was mean and said things that I would never say. I felt God had yet again turned away from me. I was falling and it wasn't stopping and I wanted out. I wanted to be me again, but could seem to get things under control. God had a reason for this and all I wanted was for it to stop. This falling lasted for a long while after Christmas. It wasn't until February that I hit rock bottom. And when I did hit it, God was there to pick me up dust me off. It was then that God said to me, My child why did you turn from me, I have been holding my hand out to you to grab and you didn't why not. And in that moment I cried because I was so wrapped up in making those around me feel just like I did, that I didn't even see the hand trying to pull me out.

In March I filed for divorce.. enough said.
Over the next few months I got back on track with my life and started to really pray and ask God to give me signs that I needed to see. If there is one thing I know for sure that is that God will never let you down. You are your own worse enemy! When my life didn't go as planned I turned from the one who has my life plan. God is always listening, watching, helping, showing, loving. You just have to be listening and letting God take the wheel so to speak. This life isn't mine its Gods to control and plan. I just have to listen!!

So after I decided to let God back in, things turned for me and the weight on my shoulders seemed to have been lifted. I was loving my life again, and just letting God lead me. I felt like me again like the person I was many years ago. It was nice. In July I met this guy, whom is now my boyfriend, that has blessed my life in more ways! God knows right when the perfect time is to throw someone in your life. Well, not throw, but place. N has been so wonderful to William and I, we have so much fun together. William is about whatever N does he has to also. Its great to see it.
So a year in review... God has pulled me though some of the toughest things in my life, and I am happy to be in a deeper relationship with him now! God likes to test me every once in a while and now I know his hand is right there for me to grab!!
I leave you this this verse.. my favorite verse!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Signs..

I am happy to report that I am single . Not dating a soul. God blessed me in ways I can't even begin to talk about. I know that when the right man comes along God will make it clear to me that he is the one. I thought God had done that with this guy, but i was wrong on so many levels. I started feeling as though this wasn't right about a week ago when God showed me the first sign of this not working. And i questioned it because i wanted it so bad, but God kept given me reasons not to move, not to continue this relationship. I didn't want to believe God, I was right and he was wrong. But God never stopped showing me signs, and though my heart was hurting and I was upset I knew what i had to do. And so I ended the relationship, it was hard, it was a lot of praying, crying, unsure of what to say, to let God give me words. I did it.. it was hard.. I hated every second of it, because i wanted it so badly. I had to listen to God he is in control. I am still not 100% sure i did the right thing, but God is showing me that i did. I am slowly looking at the bigger picture God is giving me. There were a lot of things that needed to be taken care of before i could move. And one of them was/is getting my divorce over, how can i move when i am still legally married. And how could i move known that my son's well being needed to be taken care of. My son has had a tough year, and putting him in a place where he didn't know anyone that well but me was another sign. My son is my life and I couldn't let his well being come before anything, not even a man. I can't in good faith move my son 2 months into the school year when my divorce is over. Not fair to his education. I only what is best for my son, and not moving in the middle of a semester is best. I could go on and on about that signs God showed me, but when you look at it, it was God controlling my life.. Telling me what was right what i needed to do. Yes, i am hurting still . Will i move on.. Yes i believe I will. Have i learned from this. Yep i sure have. I can't let any man or person come in front of the only child i have. The only child that God has blessed me with. My son means the world to me. His happiness is everything.
So the signs God shows you when you are wondering.. Look at them listen to them.. God knows what is right, give God control. Let him lead you, after all God is the one you created you, he is the one who knows best.
And as to my best friend... yes he is a male, God has put him in my life for a reason I don't know, am I happy about it yes. Confused yes wondering what God is doing YEP. But the only thing I can to is let God lead me.. whatever happens is because its of God and not me. I am blessed to have friends who know that when i let God lead me my life is at its best. So try.. let God lead you .. give God control.. listen to him.. love him. God will never ever let you down.. Life is simply to short not to be happy and full of Gods grace!!

Best friends

We all have best friends who we tell everything too and you never run out of things to talk about.. oh the ones who will let you talk and not say a word.. the best friend who knows right when to say the right thing.. to make you feel special.. I have lots of close friends that know alot about me and my life.. But you always have that one who you know with out a doubt you can always go to and they will love you support you and listen with out question.. I am bless to have that.. Its the best feeling to know that when we talk i have 100% of them... I love it!! its the best feeling. When I needed him the most he was there.. He helped me though a rough week and weekend! I am so grateful to him and for his support.. We have talked no less then 3 hours a night in the last week. you would think that we would run out of things to talk about.. but we don't.. I love it!! And when there is a quiet moment its ok.. because we have connected on a deeper level.. nothing is off limits when we talk.. and i mean nothing.. God works in ways that I can't even think about.. and he had a plan to put us together and become friends.. best friends.. I know when I started a relationship with someone, he was upset, but he stayed my friend and we still chatted.. God had a plan and still has a plan for us.. Though I don't know what it is or will be.. I am excited for what can or will happen. Do you have a best friend that you can share everything with and know that they are there no matter what.. I do, and I am truly blessed that he is in my life!!

Prayer

Today in Sunday School we talked about prayer. I wish we had more time to talk about it. I love just to talk about how others pray and what they pray about. How do you pray? what do you pray about? Do you pray differently for non- Christians? When you pray do you always ask and never thank?

People pray in different ways, forms, times of day. I thought I would share how I pray and when I pray. When I pray I normally do in my car cause that seems to work for me. Somedays though i talk to God all day. I love to just tell God whats on my mind even though I know he knows, it makes me feel. I wonder if some days he says, Marianne really could you just stop long enough for me to answer just one thing. I sometimes have a hard time listening to God, because i think what I have to say is far more important then what God has to say. Then there are days that i listen. I open my eyes more look around more. God answers prayers in ways that you may not even know he can. When I pray/talk to God sometimes I do nothing but ask for this or that. God can you help me with this, God i don't get this. And I never thank God for what he has done for me, his unconditional love for me, for everything in my life. I am far from good at prayer, but I k now God doesn't care if it is pretty, or worded right. All he cares about is if you are trusting him letting him control your life. There have been times in my life where I have wanted the control and have taken ( or at least i have taken it) and i have stopped talking to God and doing what ever i felt like. Then when things don't go as planned i blame God because after all he is control of me. But that isn't the case at all it that i didn't trust him enough to give up the control to him. In the last few months I have given God control and have let him lead me. Have i asked questions of God, have i wondered if letting God control my life plan, have i been unsure of what will happen next. YES I have, but it has done something to me it has made me look at what is going on around me. I am so truly blessed with a family that loves me no matter how upset they or I make them. They have got my back and are willing at a moments notice to pick up the pieces and help me put them back together. I have a son who with out a question loves me, and is the most important person in my life right next to God. I have a wonderful church family who supports me and loves me as I am no matter my faults. I have friends who support me and only want the best for me. I amazing man in my life that understands that i am not perfect and my life hasn't been easy, and wants to love me like i should be loved. And his wonderful family who have blessed me and supported me from day one! I am so blessed to have some any in my life. I know that God is in control and I am going to thank him each and everyday for all he has given me will give and has done for me. I may ask and ask when i pray, but now i am going to thank God. I love when my relationship grows with God it makes me want to dive in and soak up every word he is saying to. I want to live like he wants me to live. I am blessed and have never felt like i am going the right direction. But I feel i am moving up that big mountain coming out of a deep valley. Praising and Thanking God each and every step. Thank you God for teaching me that given you control and trusting you makes life so much more sweeter..

Struggling

Struggling...
Today I am having a hard time, today William goes to his dads for two weeks, today I am missing them. All I want is to be with my loves. I never thought that I would ever be going though what I am going through. Divorce sucks! Having to share my son sucks! Missing someone you love sucks! Missing family you have grown so close to and love sucks! So today I struggle with a sad heart that wants nothing more then to be with the ones I love.

Why is it that life is s struggle? Why is it we miss someone so much that you feel lost when you are not with them? Struggling...... God works in amazing ways that I can't explain. I put all my trust in him Known that what ever the plan I trust God. God is in the drivers seat he knows what why i am struggling today, he is teaching me in this struggle. Though I may not like it and hate all the feelings I have going on He is very much in control. Waiting for God to lead me.

In other news......
There is this amazing family in my life that I have totally falling in love with. One amazing man that never ceases to make me smile! Two amazing women who have quickly become my best friend and sisters. And a super sweet 8 year old who I adore. I am so very happy to have them in my life! I have never felt so welcomed in a family so loved from the very start. The talks we have the tears the flow the love that grows deeper.. All Gods work!! God has placed this family into my life for this very reason to grow old together! To experience life together! I feel like I am dreaming, and any second i am going to wake up and realize that this didn't happen. For my sake I hope i never wake up!! I am completely happy and in love! It has been a long long time that I have felt this way! I can't wait to see what the future holds! God is good!!!

Emotions

It has been a week filled with every emotion one could have! God seems to know right when to make things messy and clear them up fast. I am so amazed at how God never lets me feel down for long.

If you would have talked to me on Monday night I was upset, disappointed, unsure, and angry. I felt as though God was telling me that I was this awful person who didn't deserve anything. I was done, done with everything around me. With out going into alot of detail, I felt like the black sheep of my family on Monday. I thought that I was disliked and maybe even hated by some. I cried because I was being judge by the ones who are to love me though thick and thin. Then I started to look around me.. My family is amazing. i have the best parents any girl could ask for yes we don't always get along, but I would be homeless and lost with out them. My siblings all 3 of them have been nothing but supportive in my journey though life. God has blessed me with them. And known that though my faults my family will always love me. No one has the right to judge me, because when the day comes that I get to meet God He will judge me for my life, and I will have to answer to him!
SO that was Monday right!
Tuesday... amazing!! That is the only to put it! God blessed me and I can't wait to see what happens!! I am so excited for what is to come, what will happen, how things are going to go.. I am bless to have met an amazing family! They have welcomed me in just a short time of knowing them! I am so excited that I am at a lost of words. I can't believe that this is happening!! Sharing little details because things are so new. But in time you will get to hear more and more about this wonderful family! God holds the key to the future and not matter what happens i have met 3 wonderful people who will always be in my life!! I am blessed. OUR GOD WORKS IN WAYS I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE!!

To caring...to something

Is is possible to be to caring? Is it possible to fee like you are always left out? Because that is how I am feeling right this min! I can't help but feel that way in everything I do. From my family, to work. You name it I am feeling it right now! I pray it is a just me feeling like I need a pity party, but at this moment I am done. I can't seem to get it out of my head, I feel like God is trying to teach me something, but I am not listening or watching because I am in a place where I don't want to. I hate this feeling I can't seem to get rid of it. I just want to run to a place where I can be free of all the crap going on. I know that isn't possible because well I have a cute kiddo to love on and no money! But that isn't the point! The point is that God has taken me to this place for a reason, though I don't know what it is yet, I am sure that I will soon find out! I just need to listen, watch.. and STOP having a pity party. Happy things are happening in my family and I should be excited and happy too. Part of me is but a huge part isn't. I want so bad to just be who i was a few years ago, but that i guess isn't going to happen. I need to find a new me. The new me is.... i don't know.. I would love to know now, but because I am having a pity party I am lost. I think i have sad this before i am tired of acting happy when I am not. I am tired of everything! No matter how hard to just be who God wants me to be right now, I can't. I want to be someone different. Someone who isn't going though a pity party. Someone who is lost. Someone who feels like she is wanted. Someone who isn't easily pissed at her co workers. I want to be the person who loves no matter what is going on.. someone who is happy with all the things around. Someone who can handle being left out. Someone who is strong enough to stand up for what she wants to say. But I am not yet there. God's plan is working I just need to believe in it! But how do i do that when I feel like i am alone in everything i do? God is working in my heart he is making it over again, making it what is should be! I know that in time I will be that person he wants me to be. God never fails me! I have to trust that his work is going on in me and I am faithful enough to trust him.
Oh God heal me! Make me who you want me to be! You are the reason I have faith! I want to be loving, caring, understanding, happy, truthful. I know that it will happen! I have to just listen, watch, and have faith. If life were easy then my feelings, thoughts, and heart would never be hurting, right?!?! SO God here I am weak, tired, lost; I am yours hold me, teach me.

DONE!!!!!

I am done! Done with people, done with this divorce, just done with everything! Well, maybe not everything.. just some things. I am at the end of my rope and I need a break with life. Is that even possible?! I know that God is not done with me yet and wants me to continue on with this struggle that is going on inside me. I am trying to sing my lifesong everyday, but it seems to be getting harder everyday. Is it God testing me on my faithfulness to him?! Am I not listening to him and only worried about me and my wants/needs? My emotions are all over the place and to be honest it sucks and hard to deal with. Most days I am a happy go lucky kinda a gal, very positive always. But as of late that is not the case, putting up an this face and saying life is grand and I am doing well, when I am not at all! On the inside I am hurting, confused, unsure, LOST. I want so much to be happy again and to love everyone like they should be loved, but I can't find it in me to do so. I only want what I want, and that isn't right. I have never being an all about me girl. But I wonder if it is happening because of the shit that is going on around me?! Yes, I did cuss.. sorry..
There is plenty to be excited about in my life. For example my wonderful brother is getting married to an awesome woman, I should be over joyed by this, and I am in a way but it hurts known that I am now the only single one in the family! I love my brother and awesome woman with all my heart, but I am having a hard time being excited for what is the happiest time in their life, and in our families life! I want so bad to just let it go and be excited, but part of me hates to see them happy because it makes me think about my failed marriage. The last thing I ever thought in the whole world was that I would be getting a divorce and being a single mom! I have prayed so hard about how this happened and why, but God has the right plan for me! Though right now in the middle/beginning of a divorce I can't see that. I am focused on one thing getting though this divorce and coming out on the other end whole and happy. God is in control and I just need to trust him. Listen, I have felt like my faith could be stronger, but I think that I am growing right now in this hardest part of my life so far! So for brother and awesome woman I love you and please know that even though I am going though crap, I am very excited that God has put you together to love each other and be together forever! God's plans are always not clear to us, and we just have to have faith and believe that what is happening in life.. well that is the plan!

I am so blessed with my friends and family, I just wish I could be so emotion about things. I want to be the old me again.. I want to find that. I want to be happy, positive always, not caring what others think about me. Is that even possible? I know that it is, I have had it once before. I want to give it to God, but I also want to keep it so that I can feel sorry for myself. Nope, I am going to give to God, he is the one who takes care of me, he is the one who loves me when I don't think I am lovable. God is always there when I think no one else is. He is my rock and I need to hold on to him tight and always. So today I am going to sing my lifesong, because God have given it to me to sing. Though pain, hurt, confused I will sing and sing loud for my God! So if you see me ask me are you sing the lifesing loud today?!?! Thanks for all you love, support, and prayers! You my friends are the reason I make it though each and everyday!!

Christmas....

So today... it is me and the parents... what are we doing.. nothing... I am feeling like a mess.. wait I am a mess.. I cried from the moment I dropped William off until I got home. This by far is the hardest day of my life. I know William was feeling it, even though I tried really hard not to let him see me crying. I love him so much and so thankful that God saw it fit to give me him. There are so many things running though my head.. and heart.. It is my heart that is hurting... My head is telling me everything is going to be ok.. but i tend to listen to my heart first.. I know that God is right here right now! He is the reason why I can make it though this day!

I have the greatest friends and family ever! I love them so much.. I love that they love me and are praying for me.. It means the world to me just known that God has put people in my life who can just love me where I am and that give me comfort to know that they are loving.. Thanks to you my friends.. for you are the reason why I can still smile though the pain and mess in my life.. I Love you all... May you have a blessed Christmas!!

Falling ....... waiting.....

I have never felt so lost and confused than I do now. In on hand I am so blessed to have a son who loves me, friends and family who would do anything for me.. Blessed.. in the other hand.. a mess. My life isn't... well pretty.. I am confused, lost and falling out of control in my heart. I am not in the Christmas spirit, honestly I didn't even want to be "Santa" this year. I have known for several weeks that William would be with his dad on Christmas, and I was ok with that until the last couple weeks. I have never been away from William on a holiday ever! This is my life now and I have to deal with it, but I have to be honest I am struggling. I feel like I am falling, falling from this life. I know that God is there to catch me when I hit the bottom, or maybe he is holding me in the fall. I am clinging on to him for than ever. God is strength right now, I am leaning hard on him. I am listening, trying not to take control, letting God lead me. I want to find my strength again, I don't want to cry every time I think about the next few days. I am so blessed to have so many friends who are praying for me, inviting me to hang out with them. And all I want to do is stay in bed and pout, cry, pray, listen. Yes, I know I need to be with family and friends.. and I will be. I have never felt like this, this is a new feeling for me. I believe this is all God wanting me to put all my faith and trust in him. I so bad want to do that too, but it is hard to do so when i like to try and control this life of mine. No matter how hard I try, God lets me know that it his his job and I need to trust him. How I let go and enjoy this time with my son, with out thinking about the next couple days. I know I can do it, just very hard to let go of the feeling I am having. Jesus is who I need to be celebrating, not the struggle going on in my heart. Oh sweet Jesus please help me let go and believe that though you anything can happen.

Father, God, please catch me i want to stop falling and start standing. Father, hold me show me that i can get though this and that Your son is the reason that we celebrate Christmas. Help me get past my selfish ways and focus on you and the new life you have giving me. God, thank you for loving me when i have not loved you back. thank you for showing me that no matter what happens you are in control and love me no matter what is going on. Father, restore my faith, help me to grow in my journey. God, thank you for all my friends and family, bless them. I am so thankful for them! Amen!

Blessings to you my friends, Merry Christmas ( this is the first time I have wished anyone this)

Blessed by God,

Marianne

Struggling......

I just need to get my thoughts and feeling out of my head.... so it maybe a mess to understand.. just fyi!

Struggling... with life... struggling with people that leave me out.. struggling with not judging them... stuggling with not being in the middle of something... struggling with making the right choice.. struggling with everything!!!

How do I stop this? Can I stop struggling? Is this a test? Do I not have enought faith in God? Why am I judging others? UGHH.. so many questions and not many answers!!

Today I am lost, I have prayed today, I have listened.. i think...

Why am I judging others when i have no right to? I try not to because I don't like it when others judge me! Am I jealous because they have something I don't or because I don't do what they do?
I don't know what it is, but I know I need to stop! I hate myself when I do it, and I feel very guilty after I judge them. I pray for forgiviness, and after I do I feel better, but I just can't stop judging today. I hate hate hate it! Struggling..... God help me, help me to stop, help me to love these persons and not judge them for what ever reason.

Struggling... I know I am not alone. I know that there are others who are struggling too. God help me help them to trust you more! Let us slow down to listen to you, to look for your answers. Life is going to be a stuggle if we don't have that faith in the one who struggles with us! Thank you God for everything even when i am struggling, you know the answers and the plan, I just need to have faith. Faith that is ever going strong in you.

Praising God for all things big and small.. for my beautiful son, for my friends who love me even when I am hard to love, for the thank yous from the the kids at school, for the peeks of sun, and for struggling.. With God all things are possible!

Even though I am struggling tonight.. I am thankful that God never ever is far away feeling what I am feeling!

On the outside looking in.....

That's right, always on the outside looking in... at work, church, friends or family.. whatever it is that is how i find myself. It never fails and to be honest is SUCKS!! Why? That is what I want to know, why? I think that I am a great friend, I am trustworthy, honest and caring plus more.... I never try to be someone I am not, never have and never will. I am who i am because that is how my God wants me. And I try not to get worked up over it but today it have boiled up inside me, and no matter how hard I try it won't go away. Maybe this happens because I don't go out, or because I think I am to old to to things or because I know that I have a family. So what ever the case it SUCKS!!!

See back in november I learn that life moves to fast and we need to stop and slow down. And i have slowed down... in other words i have joined the slow club. It has opened my eyes to see things that I would never see. My life isn't always wonderful, but when I take things slow my life is wonderful. So why do I feel left out? Is it God teaching me something or is it I am reading into things that are not there. I don't know what the answer is but it has me leaning on God... Looking for answers wondering what the net step is.. I love my co workers, friends, family, and church family.

You see the important things in life are not if you fit in or being upset because you are being left out, but to have faith in the one who made you, who loves you even if you don't feel like you don't fit in. In his eyes you fit in right where you are.God is always testing you in you faith or maybe it is satan testing you. So who ever is testing you it builds you in your faith and teaches you that God never fails you ever!!! Yes it hurts not to feel like you don't fit in but God never makes you feel un-welcomed.

So I do fit in.. It may not be clear to me all the time. I fit in with the one who loves me always.. and I am so thankful for that.. I have a loving God and he is always faithful... and that is all I need to fit in....

Long time no blog....

So it has been forever.... So I thought that I would try this again. We shall see what happens.

life... an update???

So I thought I would update you all on my lunch with Nicole. It went well, and of course it was just like all the other times we were together... our chat was nothing deep but very general. I didn't cry when I left, and I think that it is because I am over it or very unemotional (wow that is a big word). Anyways I have not heard from her and I don't think that I will for a while I am guessing.. Moving on, Duane and I have decided that we are ready for another little Lloyd running around. I think that the next baby will be that last one.. 2 sounds good. We are ready to get out of my parents house too, but in order to do that I will have to get a full time job. And I am ok with that. So now I just have to find the right job that will pay me enough to put William in daycare, and still have money left over to pay bills.
In other news... Youth has started up again and I am excited about the new year and a new youth pastor. What an exciting time!!
Wednesday nights have started up.. or SOUP and I am in a class the fist time in about... oh ever!!! And I am enjoying it. I have learned a lot about me. It is nice to beable to do something for me and not have a 3 year old there distracting me.
I think that I am done rambling on.. Next time hopefully I will have more to say.