Christmas....

So today... it is me and the parents... what are we doing.. nothing... I am feeling like a mess.. wait I am a mess.. I cried from the moment I dropped William off until I got home. This by far is the hardest day of my life. I know William was feeling it, even though I tried really hard not to let him see me crying. I love him so much and so thankful that God saw it fit to give me him. There are so many things running though my head.. and heart.. It is my heart that is hurting... My head is telling me everything is going to be ok.. but i tend to listen to my heart first.. I know that God is right here right now! He is the reason why I can make it though this day!

I have the greatest friends and family ever! I love them so much.. I love that they love me and are praying for me.. It means the world to me just known that God has put people in my life who can just love me where I am and that give me comfort to know that they are loving.. Thanks to you my friends.. for you are the reason why I can still smile though the pain and mess in my life.. I Love you all... May you have a blessed Christmas!!

Falling ....... waiting.....

I have never felt so lost and confused than I do now. In on hand I am so blessed to have a son who loves me, friends and family who would do anything for me.. Blessed.. in the other hand.. a mess. My life isn't... well pretty.. I am confused, lost and falling out of control in my heart. I am not in the Christmas spirit, honestly I didn't even want to be "Santa" this year. I have known for several weeks that William would be with his dad on Christmas, and I was ok with that until the last couple weeks. I have never been away from William on a holiday ever! This is my life now and I have to deal with it, but I have to be honest I am struggling. I feel like I am falling, falling from this life. I know that God is there to catch me when I hit the bottom, or maybe he is holding me in the fall. I am clinging on to him for than ever. God is strength right now, I am leaning hard on him. I am listening, trying not to take control, letting God lead me. I want to find my strength again, I don't want to cry every time I think about the next few days. I am so blessed to have so many friends who are praying for me, inviting me to hang out with them. And all I want to do is stay in bed and pout, cry, pray, listen. Yes, I know I need to be with family and friends.. and I will be. I have never felt like this, this is a new feeling for me. I believe this is all God wanting me to put all my faith and trust in him. I so bad want to do that too, but it is hard to do so when i like to try and control this life of mine. No matter how hard I try, God lets me know that it his his job and I need to trust him. How I let go and enjoy this time with my son, with out thinking about the next couple days. I know I can do it, just very hard to let go of the feeling I am having. Jesus is who I need to be celebrating, not the struggle going on in my heart. Oh sweet Jesus please help me let go and believe that though you anything can happen.

Father, God, please catch me i want to stop falling and start standing. Father, hold me show me that i can get though this and that Your son is the reason that we celebrate Christmas. Help me get past my selfish ways and focus on you and the new life you have giving me. God, thank you for loving me when i have not loved you back. thank you for showing me that no matter what happens you are in control and love me no matter what is going on. Father, restore my faith, help me to grow in my journey. God, thank you for all my friends and family, bless them. I am so thankful for them! Amen!

Blessings to you my friends, Merry Christmas ( this is the first time I have wished anyone this)

Blessed by God,

Marianne

Struggling......

I just need to get my thoughts and feeling out of my head.... so it maybe a mess to understand.. just fyi!

Struggling... with life... struggling with people that leave me out.. struggling with not judging them... stuggling with not being in the middle of something... struggling with making the right choice.. struggling with everything!!!

How do I stop this? Can I stop struggling? Is this a test? Do I not have enought faith in God? Why am I judging others? UGHH.. so many questions and not many answers!!

Today I am lost, I have prayed today, I have listened.. i think...

Why am I judging others when i have no right to? I try not to because I don't like it when others judge me! Am I jealous because they have something I don't or because I don't do what they do?
I don't know what it is, but I know I need to stop! I hate myself when I do it, and I feel very guilty after I judge them. I pray for forgiviness, and after I do I feel better, but I just can't stop judging today. I hate hate hate it! Struggling..... God help me, help me to stop, help me to love these persons and not judge them for what ever reason.

Struggling... I know I am not alone. I know that there are others who are struggling too. God help me help them to trust you more! Let us slow down to listen to you, to look for your answers. Life is going to be a stuggle if we don't have that faith in the one who struggles with us! Thank you God for everything even when i am struggling, you know the answers and the plan, I just need to have faith. Faith that is ever going strong in you.

Praising God for all things big and small.. for my beautiful son, for my friends who love me even when I am hard to love, for the thank yous from the the kids at school, for the peeks of sun, and for struggling.. With God all things are possible!

Even though I am struggling tonight.. I am thankful that God never ever is far away feeling what I am feeling!

On the outside looking in.....

That's right, always on the outside looking in... at work, church, friends or family.. whatever it is that is how i find myself. It never fails and to be honest is SUCKS!! Why? That is what I want to know, why? I think that I am a great friend, I am trustworthy, honest and caring plus more.... I never try to be someone I am not, never have and never will. I am who i am because that is how my God wants me. And I try not to get worked up over it but today it have boiled up inside me, and no matter how hard I try it won't go away. Maybe this happens because I don't go out, or because I think I am to old to to things or because I know that I have a family. So what ever the case it SUCKS!!!

See back in november I learn that life moves to fast and we need to stop and slow down. And i have slowed down... in other words i have joined the slow club. It has opened my eyes to see things that I would never see. My life isn't always wonderful, but when I take things slow my life is wonderful. So why do I feel left out? Is it God teaching me something or is it I am reading into things that are not there. I don't know what the answer is but it has me leaning on God... Looking for answers wondering what the net step is.. I love my co workers, friends, family, and church family.

You see the important things in life are not if you fit in or being upset because you are being left out, but to have faith in the one who made you, who loves you even if you don't feel like you don't fit in. In his eyes you fit in right where you are.God is always testing you in you faith or maybe it is satan testing you. So who ever is testing you it builds you in your faith and teaches you that God never fails you ever!!! Yes it hurts not to feel like you don't fit in but God never makes you feel un-welcomed.

So I do fit in.. It may not be clear to me all the time. I fit in with the one who loves me always.. and I am so thankful for that.. I have a loving God and he is always faithful... and that is all I need to fit in....