Struggling.....

I wish there was an easy button to deal with the pain I have in my heart right now. Its been almost two weeks sense the unexpected break up and I still have pain and heartache. I still have no answers and I never will. That is what hurts the most is that I have no reason for this to have happened. I know things were hard, but it can't be perfect all the time. I don't know how to heal for this. Its hard to close a chapter of your life if you don't know what went wrong. I am afraid to date for fear that the next guy will do the something. Though I do feel I am much better with out him then with him. The heartache is still there. There are some days I don't think about him at all.. there are others that he is on my mind a lot. I have more days then bad because I know that God has the perfect man of there for me. I just don't want to repeat what I am going though now. It sucks!! Just putting it out there.. never in my life have I ever struggled over a break up as I have this one. Maybe its the because I really truly loved him, and believe that we were going to be together forever. But looking back what I loved was the lie, the lie that was going to be my dream to stay home to be a mom and wife... the lie that money would never be an issue.. the lie that he loved me .. the lie that there was money coming... It sucks!!
I am thankful that this happened now and not when I married a lie. I am thankful that my son is happier now and that our relationship is better then it was. I am thankful that I have a wonderful family and church family and friends. I am thankful that God is healing my heart, though it maybe slow healing, it is healing. There have been many tears over the last couple weeks, though he is worth the tears, the tears need to be shed to heal. God is crying with me because I feel that he had given me signs way before this happened but I didn't want to hear them because i was in love... God though let me do this but was always was right there never far from me. More then ever i am hanging on to God and listening more. I took control over my life instead of letting God do it.. I now know that I shouldn't to it... but I am sure that it will happen again.. Why is it hard sometimes to let God take the control and not question him. Is it because we think we know what is right or is it because we don't always what to hear what God is saying. Whatever the case maybe I am glad that God is there to help pick the pieces up and hold us again.
To say that I am scared to date again wouldn't be a lie.. I am very scared to even think about it. I am scared to be hurt again. I am scared that I make the wrong choice.. Though when I do decided that I am truly ready I have decided that things will go really slow.. and no man is going to meet my angel boy until I know that he is the one for me. So that means that whom ever I date will only get to see me every other weekend for a while and he has to be ok with that. Time heals all wounds and that is what I need is time... I am ready to move on and heal... Its the time thing that I hate about it... but time is what I need right now...

The Break up story.......

So first let me give you all a little back round.. some history... with out given to much of his personal life away...
So things haven't been going as smooth as they could have been the last week or so. We had all but stopped talking to each other starting about Sunday night. Things didn't change over the next couple days so I told him that we needed to talk because I couldn't take it anymore. And so we talked for a min or two the first time. He got mad and left my room. So i thought OK give him some time. Then next night I sent him a message on face book saying we must talk before you go to work. so we did I told him how i was feeling about things and that I didn't like that i was walking on eggshells in my own house. We decided that he should leave for a while so that we could have some time away. Sounded like a good plan to me. He said that he was going home to take care of some issues that he never dealt with. I thought that was a great idea that way he could close that chapter of his life and start a new one. Speed up to yesterday morning.... I get up and take him to Indy so that he could get on a greyhound and go "home" because that is where he told me he was going. On the way down we talked about him coming back in a couple weeks to visit and talked about me going down and visiting him. Sounds good huh? We got to the bust station and he said i don't want you to come in it is just going to make it harder on us. I agreed with him, because i was holding back tears as it was. So we said our goodbyes in the parking lot he hugged me and kissed me and said I love you and I will call you or contact you some how when i get "home". He called me on my way home, we talked for a few a bit and he said to me again that he loved me and would see me in a few weeks. ... OK fast forward to last night (Friday) night. I logged into face book checking things out talking to a friend. Then I decided that I would check my profile page, and noticed that his name was gone and that the relationship status said in a relationship... I thought what is going on.. so I did a search for him thinking maybe he just befriended me because he wanted some space.. so when the search came up as nothing.. I was in shock... He has blocked me for his page!!! I was shocked and dumbfounded!!! I asked my friend to do a search also and he came up with nothing.. so then OK maybe he just deleted his face book.. then i got a bright idea... so this might get confusing sorry.. so I had my friend do a search for one of his friends and look and see if he was on her page.. make sense.. good.. and he was on her friends list.. that is when it really hit me that he had blocked me!!! SO still in shock.. my shock turned in to being pissed.. my friend was shocked to and couldn't believe that this is how he would tell me it was over .. I have never in my life been so shocked and pissed about something .. Yes my heart hurts, but I believe that he didn't go home like he said he was, but went to be with this woman friend of his. Now I don't know if that is the truth or not, but why would you block someone you are dating even if you are taking a break?!?!?! It doesn't make sense to do that to me. SO I took this as he was breaking up with me.. I wish i had the answers as to why he did this way.. or why didn't he just say to me.. I want to break up I don't think this will work out. That seems easier to me then to block me... but maybe this is his way of dealing with things is to run from it.. i don't know.. so there is the break up story for the records... thanks for you love and support!!!