To caring...to something

Is is possible to be to caring? Is it possible to fee like you are always left out? Because that is how I am feeling right this min! I can't help but feel that way in everything I do. From my family, to work. You name it I am feeling it right now! I pray it is a just me feeling like I need a pity party, but at this moment I am done. I can't seem to get it out of my head, I feel like God is trying to teach me something, but I am not listening or watching because I am in a place where I don't want to. I hate this feeling I can't seem to get rid of it. I just want to run to a place where I can be free of all the crap going on. I know that isn't possible because well I have a cute kiddo to love on and no money! But that isn't the point! The point is that God has taken me to this place for a reason, though I don't know what it is yet, I am sure that I will soon find out! I just need to listen, watch.. and STOP having a pity party. Happy things are happening in my family and I should be excited and happy too. Part of me is but a huge part isn't. I want so bad to just be who i was a few years ago, but that i guess isn't going to happen. I need to find a new me. The new me is.... i don't know.. I would love to know now, but because I am having a pity party I am lost. I think i have sad this before i am tired of acting happy when I am not. I am tired of everything! No matter how hard to just be who God wants me to be right now, I can't. I want to be someone different. Someone who isn't going though a pity party. Someone who is lost. Someone who feels like she is wanted. Someone who isn't easily pissed at her co workers. I want to be the person who loves no matter what is going on.. someone who is happy with all the things around. Someone who can handle being left out. Someone who is strong enough to stand up for what she wants to say. But I am not yet there. God's plan is working I just need to believe in it! But how do i do that when I feel like i am alone in everything i do? God is working in my heart he is making it over again, making it what is should be! I know that in time I will be that person he wants me to be. God never fails me! I have to trust that his work is going on in me and I am faithful enough to trust him.
Oh God heal me! Make me who you want me to be! You are the reason I have faith! I want to be loving, caring, understanding, happy, truthful. I know that it will happen! I have to just listen, watch, and have faith. If life were easy then my feelings, thoughts, and heart would never be hurting, right?!?! SO God here I am weak, tired, lost; I am yours hold me, teach me.

DONE!!!!!

I am done! Done with people, done with this divorce, just done with everything! Well, maybe not everything.. just some things. I am at the end of my rope and I need a break with life. Is that even possible?! I know that God is not done with me yet and wants me to continue on with this struggle that is going on inside me. I am trying to sing my lifesong everyday, but it seems to be getting harder everyday. Is it God testing me on my faithfulness to him?! Am I not listening to him and only worried about me and my wants/needs? My emotions are all over the place and to be honest it sucks and hard to deal with. Most days I am a happy go lucky kinda a gal, very positive always. But as of late that is not the case, putting up an this face and saying life is grand and I am doing well, when I am not at all! On the inside I am hurting, confused, unsure, LOST. I want so much to be happy again and to love everyone like they should be loved, but I can't find it in me to do so. I only want what I want, and that isn't right. I have never being an all about me girl. But I wonder if it is happening because of the shit that is going on around me?! Yes, I did cuss.. sorry..
There is plenty to be excited about in my life. For example my wonderful brother is getting married to an awesome woman, I should be over joyed by this, and I am in a way but it hurts known that I am now the only single one in the family! I love my brother and awesome woman with all my heart, but I am having a hard time being excited for what is the happiest time in their life, and in our families life! I want so bad to just let it go and be excited, but part of me hates to see them happy because it makes me think about my failed marriage. The last thing I ever thought in the whole world was that I would be getting a divorce and being a single mom! I have prayed so hard about how this happened and why, but God has the right plan for me! Though right now in the middle/beginning of a divorce I can't see that. I am focused on one thing getting though this divorce and coming out on the other end whole and happy. God is in control and I just need to trust him. Listen, I have felt like my faith could be stronger, but I think that I am growing right now in this hardest part of my life so far! So for brother and awesome woman I love you and please know that even though I am going though crap, I am very excited that God has put you together to love each other and be together forever! God's plans are always not clear to us, and we just have to have faith and believe that what is happening in life.. well that is the plan!

I am so blessed with my friends and family, I just wish I could be so emotion about things. I want to be the old me again.. I want to find that. I want to be happy, positive always, not caring what others think about me. Is that even possible? I know that it is, I have had it once before. I want to give it to God, but I also want to keep it so that I can feel sorry for myself. Nope, I am going to give to God, he is the one who takes care of me, he is the one who loves me when I don't think I am lovable. God is always there when I think no one else is. He is my rock and I need to hold on to him tight and always. So today I am going to sing my lifesong, because God have given it to me to sing. Though pain, hurt, confused I will sing and sing loud for my God! So if you see me ask me are you sing the lifesing loud today?!?! Thanks for all you love, support, and prayers! You my friends are the reason I make it though each and everyday!!