Is is possible to be to caring? Is it possible to fee like you are always left out? Because that is how I am feeling right this min! I can't help but feel that way in everything I do. From my family, to work. You name it I am feeling it right now! I pray it is a just me feeling like I need a pity party, but at this moment I am done. I can't seem to get it out of my head, I feel like God is trying to teach me something, but I am not listening or watching because I am in a place where I don't want to. I hate this feeling I can't seem to get rid of it. I just want to run to a place where I can be free of all the crap going on. I know that isn't possible because well I have a cute kiddo to love on and no money! But that isn't the point! The point is that God has taken me to this place for a reason, though I don't know what it is yet, I am sure that I will soon find out! I just need to listen, watch.. and STOP having a pity party. Happy things are happening in my family and I should be excited and happy too. Part of me is but a huge part isn't. I want so bad to just be who i was a few years ago, but that i guess isn't going to happen. I need to find a new me. The new me is.... i don't know.. I would love to know now, but because I am having a pity party I am lost. I think i have sad this before i am tired of acting happy when I am not. I am tired of everything! No matter how hard to just be who God wants me to be right now, I can't. I want to be someone different. Someone who isn't going though a pity party. Someone who is lost. Someone who feels like she is wanted. Someone who isn't easily pissed at her co workers. I want to be the person who loves no matter what is going on.. someone who is happy with all the things around. Someone who can handle being left out. Someone who is strong enough to stand up for what she wants to say. But I am not yet there. God's plan is working I just need to believe in it! But how do i do that when I feel like i am alone in everything i do? God is working in my heart he is making it over again, making it what is should be! I know that in time I will be that person he wants me to be. God never fails me! I have to trust that his work is going on in me and I am faithful enough to trust him.
Oh God heal me! Make me who you want me to be! You are the reason I have faith! I want to be loving, caring, understanding, happy, truthful. I know that it will happen! I have to just listen, watch, and have faith. If life were easy then my feelings, thoughts, and heart would never be hurting, right?!?! SO God here I am weak, tired, lost; I am yours hold me, teach me.
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Thanks for being so honest Marianne. I love you and your'e gonna be ok. Keep being honest...healing takes time. Think of it this way - when you break a bone - there is the pain of the break, the fear that it is broken and how that break is going to impact your life, the fabulous pain meds that the dr. gives you when he sets the bone in a cast, the annoying and frustrating process of healing, getting the cast taken off, and then building the strength up in your arm as your build muscles up again.
Its a process...and its gonna take time. Remember that there are people all around you who love you and help you - let them. Call me if you ever need to vent!
-Heather Kill
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