Happy!!

So many things have happened in the last month, I am not sure where to start. First, I have to give God all the praise and glory. With out him I am sure I would not be where I am right now. I am so very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life! If it weren't for you all I am sure I would not have gotten though the first part of January, but I did and have learned more about myself. So thank you for you support and love. In mid January I started talking to someone, he has become so much more. We chatted for a while before he asked me out on a date. I can honestly say it was the best date that I have ever been on. I wasn't sure what to except because to be honest I don't remember the last time I went on a date and didn't have to pay for something. He paid for everything! Though I was ready to pay for some of the date. And from that moment we have become a couple! There isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk, wait we talk about 4 or more times a day. This has helped our relationship in so many ways. Because he lives and hour and half away from me talking on the phone or Skype is all we have during the week. We always have something to talk about, it is so nice to be able to talk to someone and get to know who they are. This is how I have always dreamed how it would be when I dated someone. Yes it is nice to be with him in person and I love every second we have together, but I love the fact that we can just talk and get to know each other too. I am so very blessed to have him in my life. We have spend every weekend together sense our first date! The time we have together is so sweet and wonderful. I am excited for the future!!

On January 31, 2011 I became officially divorced!! It took 10 months, but it now is over! I want to thank each and everyone of you who have prayed, supported, loved, and listened to me and William! We are so blessed to have all of you in our life! God has softened my heart and has showed me that I need to be able to talk to my ex husband so that William can be as happy as he can be with divorced parents. Though it is still hard to talk to William's dad I do it. I do it for William. William is and always will be my number one in my life! No matter what!

With all this going on in my life, I can say for the first time in a long time I am completely happy with myself and my life. It has taken a very long time to get to this place and to just be happy with what God has given me. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me. What ever it is I will take on and will do so with a smile on my face! Thanks again for your love, support and most of all your prayers!

OH 2010......

2010.. Oh what a year!!! From the lows of lows to the highs of highs and everything in between its been a year. So many things have happened a divorce... a move.... a new school for my son.. and new love... From not wanting God to control my life to failing on my knees and praying God take the control back. Its been a year. Never in my dreams would i ever feel so alone in 2010, but always knew that God was there. Never in my dreams did i think that I would be ever going though a divorce... never in my dreams did i think I would be dating again ... The struggle of life never seems easy,but God makes it easy when you let him lead you. I am blessed to have a family who has supported and wiped my tears. I couldn't have asked for a better family. WE may not always get along, but we are family and I love them so very much. My church family, wow, they are the best, just like family the love and support me though the good and ugly times they love me and my son. God knew what he was doing when He put me in my Sunday School class, one word for that class... AWESOME!!! Never have I felt so supported and loved! In the last few months I have felt like I have lost focus on God, but in the new year I am going to refocus myself ... going to grow in my faith .. listen to God more.. I am ready for whatever he has in store for me.

I just want to thank again my family, my church family, and my special someone in my life for supporting me and loving me right where I was and am...

ITS DONE!!!!

I have been waiting for this day for nine months! The papers have been signed and turned into the judge. I am divorced. Its not been an easy year for me or my son. But with all the love and support that we have gotten I feel blessed in so many ways. Today starts a new life for my son and I, a life that is filled with love and fun. Thank you for all your love, support and prayers! I am so very blessed with a loving family and friends. I can't wait to see what God has in store next for me!! May God bless you all this Christmas season!

Life isn't so simple....

Life never seems as easy as it seems. I thought that I had things figured out or at least going in the right direction until last night (Thursday). It hasn't been as easy week, so last night i lost it. My temper got the best of me, and I took out on the one person that has done nothing but love me. I felt like crap the rest of the night because I upset the one person that who was just trying to help me. It never fails that I can mess something up because instead of just staying calm I blow up. I don't always deal with stress in the best way possible, I tend to let things build up and blow up and then I am fine. This should have never happened last night. Yes I was upset with what was going on, and I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I didn't and I paid the price. I wish i could take it back but I can't, I just need to pick up the pieces as they lay and try to put them back together and pray that I will come out of this a stronger, more faithful woman. Though I am not sure what God's plan is, I am not sure I how on board I am with him right now. Don't get me wrong, I still putting my faith in God, I am just not 100% on board with the plan he is giving me. I believe that God's plan is the right one, I just questioning why things are happening they way they are. I want so bad to just have a simple life, you know one that isn't so complicated. A life with little to no stress, a life that there isn't arguing, random blow ups. Is there a life like that? I believe that there is when you let God guide you 100% of the time. But why can't I just let God do his work and I just go with the flow? Is it because I want to control what is going on in my life, or is it I can't give up control? What ever the case maybe I am praying that I can just listen to God, and not try to do things my way, because my way isn't working so well for me. If there is one thing I know that is my way is never always the right way. So I am going to try and listen to God and let him guide me and try not to go against what his plan is for me.





Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

33 years young... year in review

Saturday I turned a year older! I am happy to report that 33 strangely feels like 32. Ha ha. I also thought about the this past year and how I have changed so much. So a year in review sounded like a good idea..

So about one year ago the ex and I decided that it was over. The last week that we had to live together was a night mare for me. Though I would like to talk about it with you all I still can't do it. There are still very raw emotions about that week. That week I felt as though God had turned his head on me, but to later find out he was hurting right along with me. In my darkest time God held me in his hands and loved me just the same. Today, I am a stronger person and have a deeper relationship with God.

In three weeks my brother will be celebrating his second chance at life! On November 6, 2009 my brothers life change forever! Andy had open heart surgery on that day. God saw it fit that Andy life was not done here on earth! Andy had a heart value replaced that day and 11 months later he is living a new life! Andy has a closer relationship with God! And for that I feel God have blessed us yet again. I can remember that day as if it just happened. God so present that day in everything we did. When it was time for Andy to go back to the OR I felt God there in his room holding us close and telling me my child everything is going to be ok. No crying your father has his hands in this. I felt this claiming come over me that I have not felt in a long time. I knew in that moment that Andy was going to make it and that his life would be forever change!

As Andy healed and got better, I got worse in that fact that I was dealing with what was going to be the hardest Christmas I have ever faced. Last Christmas I didn't have my son with me, he was with his father. The weeks building up to it were the hardest for me. I didn't want to shop for William. I couldn't handle the fact that my life would be different forever. In the 7 years I have had William I have never spent a holiday with out him, and I was not handling it well. I grow depressed and withdrew from a lot of people. I became someone I am not. In fact, I hated who I was then. I hated that I was mean and said things that I would never say. I felt God had yet again turned away from me. I was falling and it wasn't stopping and I wanted out. I wanted to be me again, but could seem to get things under control. God had a reason for this and all I wanted was for it to stop. This falling lasted for a long while after Christmas. It wasn't until February that I hit rock bottom. And when I did hit it, God was there to pick me up dust me off. It was then that God said to me, My child why did you turn from me, I have been holding my hand out to you to grab and you didn't why not. And in that moment I cried because I was so wrapped up in making those around me feel just like I did, that I didn't even see the hand trying to pull me out.

In March I filed for divorce.. enough said.
Over the next few months I got back on track with my life and started to really pray and ask God to give me signs that I needed to see. If there is one thing I know for sure that is that God will never let you down. You are your own worse enemy! When my life didn't go as planned I turned from the one who has my life plan. God is always listening, watching, helping, showing, loving. You just have to be listening and letting God take the wheel so to speak. This life isn't mine its Gods to control and plan. I just have to listen!!

So after I decided to let God back in, things turned for me and the weight on my shoulders seemed to have been lifted. I was loving my life again, and just letting God lead me. I felt like me again like the person I was many years ago. It was nice. In July I met this guy, whom is now my boyfriend, that has blessed my life in more ways! God knows right when the perfect time is to throw someone in your life. Well, not throw, but place. N has been so wonderful to William and I, we have so much fun together. William is about whatever N does he has to also. Its great to see it.
So a year in review... God has pulled me though some of the toughest things in my life, and I am happy to be in a deeper relationship with him now! God likes to test me every once in a while and now I know his hand is right there for me to grab!!
I leave you this this verse.. my favorite verse!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

DONE!!!!!

I am done! Done with people, done with this divorce, just done with everything! Well, maybe not everything.. just some things. I am at the end of my rope and I need a break with life. Is that even possible?! I know that God is not done with me yet and wants me to continue on with this struggle that is going on inside me. I am trying to sing my lifesong everyday, but it seems to be getting harder everyday. Is it God testing me on my faithfulness to him?! Am I not listening to him and only worried about me and my wants/needs? My emotions are all over the place and to be honest it sucks and hard to deal with. Most days I am a happy go lucky kinda a gal, very positive always. But as of late that is not the case, putting up an this face and saying life is grand and I am doing well, when I am not at all! On the inside I am hurting, confused, unsure, LOST. I want so much to be happy again and to love everyone like they should be loved, but I can't find it in me to do so. I only want what I want, and that isn't right. I have never being an all about me girl. But I wonder if it is happening because of the shit that is going on around me?! Yes, I did cuss.. sorry..
There is plenty to be excited about in my life. For example my wonderful brother is getting married to an awesome woman, I should be over joyed by this, and I am in a way but it hurts known that I am now the only single one in the family! I love my brother and awesome woman with all my heart, but I am having a hard time being excited for what is the happiest time in their life, and in our families life! I want so bad to just let it go and be excited, but part of me hates to see them happy because it makes me think about my failed marriage. The last thing I ever thought in the whole world was that I would be getting a divorce and being a single mom! I have prayed so hard about how this happened and why, but God has the right plan for me! Though right now in the middle/beginning of a divorce I can't see that. I am focused on one thing getting though this divorce and coming out on the other end whole and happy. God is in control and I just need to trust him. Listen, I have felt like my faith could be stronger, but I think that I am growing right now in this hardest part of my life so far! So for brother and awesome woman I love you and please know that even though I am going though crap, I am very excited that God has put you together to love each other and be together forever! God's plans are always not clear to us, and we just have to have faith and believe that what is happening in life.. well that is the plan!

I am so blessed with my friends and family, I just wish I could be so emotion about things. I want to be the old me again.. I want to find that. I want to be happy, positive always, not caring what others think about me. Is that even possible? I know that it is, I have had it once before. I want to give it to God, but I also want to keep it so that I can feel sorry for myself. Nope, I am going to give to God, he is the one who takes care of me, he is the one who loves me when I don't think I am lovable. God is always there when I think no one else is. He is my rock and I need to hold on to him tight and always. So today I am going to sing my lifesong, because God have given it to me to sing. Though pain, hurt, confused I will sing and sing loud for my God! So if you see me ask me are you sing the lifesing loud today?!?! Thanks for all you love, support, and prayers! You my friends are the reason I make it though each and everyday!!