33 years young... year in review

Saturday I turned a year older! I am happy to report that 33 strangely feels like 32. Ha ha. I also thought about the this past year and how I have changed so much. So a year in review sounded like a good idea..

So about one year ago the ex and I decided that it was over. The last week that we had to live together was a night mare for me. Though I would like to talk about it with you all I still can't do it. There are still very raw emotions about that week. That week I felt as though God had turned his head on me, but to later find out he was hurting right along with me. In my darkest time God held me in his hands and loved me just the same. Today, I am a stronger person and have a deeper relationship with God.

In three weeks my brother will be celebrating his second chance at life! On November 6, 2009 my brothers life change forever! Andy had open heart surgery on that day. God saw it fit that Andy life was not done here on earth! Andy had a heart value replaced that day and 11 months later he is living a new life! Andy has a closer relationship with God! And for that I feel God have blessed us yet again. I can remember that day as if it just happened. God so present that day in everything we did. When it was time for Andy to go back to the OR I felt God there in his room holding us close and telling me my child everything is going to be ok. No crying your father has his hands in this. I felt this claiming come over me that I have not felt in a long time. I knew in that moment that Andy was going to make it and that his life would be forever change!

As Andy healed and got better, I got worse in that fact that I was dealing with what was going to be the hardest Christmas I have ever faced. Last Christmas I didn't have my son with me, he was with his father. The weeks building up to it were the hardest for me. I didn't want to shop for William. I couldn't handle the fact that my life would be different forever. In the 7 years I have had William I have never spent a holiday with out him, and I was not handling it well. I grow depressed and withdrew from a lot of people. I became someone I am not. In fact, I hated who I was then. I hated that I was mean and said things that I would never say. I felt God had yet again turned away from me. I was falling and it wasn't stopping and I wanted out. I wanted to be me again, but could seem to get things under control. God had a reason for this and all I wanted was for it to stop. This falling lasted for a long while after Christmas. It wasn't until February that I hit rock bottom. And when I did hit it, God was there to pick me up dust me off. It was then that God said to me, My child why did you turn from me, I have been holding my hand out to you to grab and you didn't why not. And in that moment I cried because I was so wrapped up in making those around me feel just like I did, that I didn't even see the hand trying to pull me out.

In March I filed for divorce.. enough said.
Over the next few months I got back on track with my life and started to really pray and ask God to give me signs that I needed to see. If there is one thing I know for sure that is that God will never let you down. You are your own worse enemy! When my life didn't go as planned I turned from the one who has my life plan. God is always listening, watching, helping, showing, loving. You just have to be listening and letting God take the wheel so to speak. This life isn't mine its Gods to control and plan. I just have to listen!!

So after I decided to let God back in, things turned for me and the weight on my shoulders seemed to have been lifted. I was loving my life again, and just letting God lead me. I felt like me again like the person I was many years ago. It was nice. In July I met this guy, whom is now my boyfriend, that has blessed my life in more ways! God knows right when the perfect time is to throw someone in your life. Well, not throw, but place. N has been so wonderful to William and I, we have so much fun together. William is about whatever N does he has to also. Its great to see it.
So a year in review... God has pulled me though some of the toughest things in my life, and I am happy to be in a deeper relationship with him now! God likes to test me every once in a while and now I know his hand is right there for me to grab!!
I leave you this this verse.. my favorite verse!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9