I am still alive

So I have a been a bad blogger... sorry. So the last time I blog Marcus and Jessica were getting ready to leave. Well they are gone now and I miss them tons.
Not sure really where to start typing. So I will start somewhere and just type so sorry if you get lost..
Duane and I decided that it was time to look for a house. We are ready to have a place of our own. So we started to look, but I was already in love with Marcus and Jessica house. So that is were we started. We looked at it and decided that we would try to get a loan for it. So we started what has been a long process of getting money to buy a home. Let me just tell you right now it is the worse process ever. It has taken almost a month just to get a answer. So this week we got a answer, they said we need one more bill in Duane's name before we give you the loan. Problem. All or most of the bills are in my name, so we couldn't come up with another bill in his name. So we thought that we weren't getting the loan. And I at first was very upset because they were saying that we were going to get the loan without a problem. So all week I have been kinda down, but I am over it now because I now know what I have to do next year. So I called the mortage people to get all our stuff back. And I learned that they are still trying to get us a loan. SO we will see I am not getting my hopes up.
In other news, I am feeling a little disconnected from the youth and the youth leadership team. Not sure why that is. But I don't like it! I love working with the kids and the other leaders, but i just in a low point. We seem to be disorganized and lost. No one seems to be taking on the lead role. or maybe it is we have to many trying to take on the role. I can't really tell. So I just keep praying that we get a youth pastor and that I get reconnected to everyone.

Okay Tim I have updated ya... I will try and do better at this..

Have a great weekend and a great holiday

Feelings

So in about 3 weeks or so a good friend is moving... He has gotten his dream job. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for them, but mad anger sad all at the same time.. About a year ago I started working with the youth group.. and Marcus was/is a great mentor! He has been there though a lot with me.. He is always so positive .. it just wears off on a person.. like me! It is amazing how God can work though someone to make you look deeper inside yourself. On a number to times I have done this... just stopped to listen to what my heart was telling me.. and it has brought me closer to God! So how can one have so many feelings go though them at one time.. Because I have them all right now... happy mad anger and sad.... how can this be?

The stresses of life

Why when you think you have it all under control something happens.. and you don't... Is this just God's way of testing me? I wish I knew... but I don't and I know I need to just leave it to God, but that is harder than I thought. I have tried but nothing ever happens when I want it to.. I guess I want the control and not let God do it... I just need to trust God more and not keep control... but how?? If I didn't stress about money it would be something else.. Why does one stress for? If God knows our life story than why do we worry about everything? Does God do this so to see how far we will go before we say ok God I am done.. you tell me what to do.. Is it ok that we question God.. It is times like this that I think that God doesn't care about me, but I know that he is there and cares all the time... I don't normally worry about money or other things.. but I am today for some reason.. Maybe God wants me to go back to work if that is the case than I will.. but I love staying home with William... maybe a part time job so that I can still be home with him too I haven't worked in over a year and who is going to hire someone who only wants to work on darning the week and not the weekends? And part time .. I have thought about watching kids, but how do I do that... meaning how do I get the word out there...
And to make matters worse, some people I am very close with are moving.. and I am sad.. I love them dearly and they have done so much for me and my family.. Words can't express how I am feeling about them leaving.. I will miss them tons and will always be thankful to them ..

Pray that I can give God control and trust him more... And keep my friends in your prayers as they move to there new jobs thanks

Love,
Me

William & Mommy at William's b-day party 

my cool son william 

Why won't they leave???!!!!

So I think that I have learned a lesson this month... Imagine that!!! So this is the story.. The short version... About 3 weeks ago a family friend called and said that she and her boy needed a place to stay for a week because their apartment was in a remodeling stage.. And of course being the good friend that I am I said yes.. well so did Duane.. So they came up from Indy and stayed with us for a week, and another week and wait one more week.. that is right 3 weeks!! And I am beyond ready for them to leave!! It is messing up Williams sleep habits.. and for that matter mine too.. it sucks to be honest!! I found out today that there apartment has been done for a week!! GGGGRRRRR-NESS... yes I made that word up!! So I have cooked almost everynight for them .. and not once did they say Marianne we will cook tonight... So I am ready to run away from my own apartment because they are here... not good huh? They ARE going to leave by Monday or else... you are thinking or else what.... I am not sure but they will be gone!!!
On another note, I have my own small group this year for youth! It is all girls.. you got it..girls.. they are funny, talkative, and everything else girls do... So here is my issue.. they don't really care to do anything but chat .. which is ok but I fell like we need to do more.. so last week we watch this DVD on flames.. aka love.. and how there are 3 different levels of love ... anywho.. they seem to get into it a little... I am hoping this is a good sign!! Keep my some group of young ladies in your prayers that God will work on there hearts and minds... thanks!!
On more thing William is growing like crazy and he says about billion words.. ok not that many but it seems like it.. I will post a picture of him soon.. he is sooooooooooooo cute!! I wonder why??!! hahaha

Cathy and Me 

Mission trip

The mission trip was amazing!! I had a great time with the kids and seeing all the sites in Philly... The cheesesteaks are wonderful!! We stayed in a church that had no A/C , but the girls had window a/c so it wasn't too bad. My crew went to the food bank for a day and a half. The first day we were there we stocked so that the food pantries could come in and shop. So it would cast the food pantry $.18 per pound to buy food, and all the bread was free to them. Than the half day we were there we made food boxes for senior citizens who had little or no money to buy food. We spent a day at one of the many senior citizen center in Philly. We just sat around and just talked about whatever came to mind. I am not a big fan of old people.. I don't know why but I am not.. Anyways, theses ladies were cute and none of them looked like they were in there late 80's. Than we were at kids club for two days, I was in the power station, in the station we taught the kids a bible story and we would sing songs. The kids always wanted to help hold the signs for the songs or be in the skit we did.. They were very helpful. I learned a lot about myself... Like... I am doing the right thing working with these youth, I feel more called to do this now than I ever did.. I also learned that I shouldn't be scared of old people they won't die on me.. silly I know but I have always had that fear.

Yesterday was Williams 2nd birthday!! He is getting so big! He is almost bottle broke.. yeah for his parents!! And he isn't getting rocked anymore.. I am so proud of him!! So I think that it is time for a new baby.. Yes that is right .. I said it I am ready!!...

Love,
ME

time is flying by!!!

It has been a while.. but things are going well! Duane got a new job and starts July 16th!! It is closer to home!! In fact, the same city!! My grandma is doing better everyday, she will be going to a nursing home on Tues. for 3 months. This will help her get her muscles built up.
In other news, in 6 days I will be on my way to Philly! I will be gone for 9 days.. and I will get to see the ocean for the first time in my life!! I don't travel much!! I am going to take tons of pictures. William will be staying with my mom and dad for the 7 days!! I am sure that he will be fine.. He loves going over there. No much else has happened or is happening.. so I guess this will be a short blog!! God Bless you all!! love- ME

Life....

1. Well, it had been crazy the last few days. Last weds. My grandma fell and broke her leg and had surgery on thurs. night. Friday my sister, Joy had her baby, a girl! She is cute as a button!! So I was at the hospital a lot this past weekend. In the mix of all that I throw my back out!! OUCH!! Still trying to recover from that...
   The sermon that Craig gave on Sunday was something I needed to hear!! It is like God knew I needed to hear him (God) loud and clear. And I did! I have always felt like the underdog, weather it would be in school, college, in the public eye. I try not to judge others, because I don't like to be judged. I don't care what others look like because that is there shell not who they are. Just like my body is my shell... my heart tells another story!! I feel like I have been taken out of the underdog crowd, because now I am a human being and not that fat person! God does work he wonders on me each and everyday!! And that makes me love him more!!!

I am not sure what is going on but I don't feel like myself.. Not sure if I am depressed or in a funk. This isn't me, I am normally in a chipper mood. Maybe it is withdrawl from camp? Maybe it is that I am frustrated with my husband? I know the last question is true. I am frustrated with him, I feel like everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. I don't feel like he listens to me, but on the other hand he does everything in his power to make me happy. I just don't get it. Part of me thinks that it is his job. I know that he loves it and that makes me happy, but I am not happy that we argue all the time. A better way to put it a lack of communication between us. This has always been a problem, and of course it is both of us. I am as gulity as he is about it. And nothing will help until we communicate better with each other.. It is that thought of, he knows what I am thinking so I don't have to say anything. Not true, he normally is clueless to what I am thinking unless I tell him. most the time I am a very vocal person, but with Duane I just assume that he knows what I am thinking.. That is a fault of mine, yes I can change it and I have tried, but sometimes I feel like if I tell him, he will get mad at me. Not sure if this is making sense.. just random thoughts I guess that I am having.. Duane loves me for who I am, and not the arguements that we have.. I need to just not hold it over his head when we argue about something..
A fense that I need to bust though!! I pray that God will show how to do this!!

Living wide open. How?

What a life. I am so stressed right now, I am not sure what I am doing. Nothing it making sense to me. Sometimes I wish that God would make things clear to me, but lately he hasn't.. To be honest I am lost. I just came back from Middle School Camp.. I was a counselor for 8 young women. The theme was Wide Open, and I am not living my life wide open that is for sure. I am living it in a small way.. I thought that I was living a wide open life but I am not. There are many fences in my life that I need to bust though, but i am not sure where to start. I thought that I was happy with how I looked, but I am not. I know that this is how God wanted me to be, but it is hard to believe it. I think this is the biggest fence that i need to bust though, but how can I do this.. I know in God's eyes I am perfect, and I should be happy with that but I am not. I don't like the way I look on the outside, but on the inside I am so beautiful. SO how do I get my mind to beleive this? I wish there was a answer for that question... FENCES... How does one break though them. I want to do this, I want to get though all my fences. So I guess I start out with the small ones and work my way though them.. I just pray that God leads me the right way. I pray that my heart and mind will listen to him and make changes.
This is my journey and I have to live how God would wants me to. I have to live wide open and not be afraid of what God hands me.