Life....

1. Well, it had been crazy the last few days. Last weds. My grandma fell and broke her leg and had surgery on thurs. night. Friday my sister, Joy had her baby, a girl! She is cute as a button!! So I was at the hospital a lot this past weekend. In the mix of all that I throw my back out!! OUCH!! Still trying to recover from that...
   The sermon that Craig gave on Sunday was something I needed to hear!! It is like God knew I needed to hear him (God) loud and clear. And I did! I have always felt like the underdog, weather it would be in school, college, in the public eye. I try not to judge others, because I don't like to be judged. I don't care what others look like because that is there shell not who they are. Just like my body is my shell... my heart tells another story!! I feel like I have been taken out of the underdog crowd, because now I am a human being and not that fat person! God does work he wonders on me each and everyday!! And that makes me love him more!!!

I am not sure what is going on but I don't feel like myself.. Not sure if I am depressed or in a funk. This isn't me, I am normally in a chipper mood. Maybe it is withdrawl from camp? Maybe it is that I am frustrated with my husband? I know the last question is true. I am frustrated with him, I feel like everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. I don't feel like he listens to me, but on the other hand he does everything in his power to make me happy. I just don't get it. Part of me thinks that it is his job. I know that he loves it and that makes me happy, but I am not happy that we argue all the time. A better way to put it a lack of communication between us. This has always been a problem, and of course it is both of us. I am as gulity as he is about it. And nothing will help until we communicate better with each other.. It is that thought of, he knows what I am thinking so I don't have to say anything. Not true, he normally is clueless to what I am thinking unless I tell him. most the time I am a very vocal person, but with Duane I just assume that he knows what I am thinking.. That is a fault of mine, yes I can change it and I have tried, but sometimes I feel like if I tell him, he will get mad at me. Not sure if this is making sense.. just random thoughts I guess that I am having.. Duane loves me for who I am, and not the arguements that we have.. I need to just not hold it over his head when we argue about something..
A fense that I need to bust though!! I pray that God will show how to do this!!

Living wide open. How?

What a life. I am so stressed right now, I am not sure what I am doing. Nothing it making sense to me. Sometimes I wish that God would make things clear to me, but lately he hasn't.. To be honest I am lost. I just came back from Middle School Camp.. I was a counselor for 8 young women. The theme was Wide Open, and I am not living my life wide open that is for sure. I am living it in a small way.. I thought that I was living a wide open life but I am not. There are many fences in my life that I need to bust though, but i am not sure where to start. I thought that I was happy with how I looked, but I am not. I know that this is how God wanted me to be, but it is hard to believe it. I think this is the biggest fence that i need to bust though, but how can I do this.. I know in God's eyes I am perfect, and I should be happy with that but I am not. I don't like the way I look on the outside, but on the inside I am so beautiful. SO how do I get my mind to beleive this? I wish there was a answer for that question... FENCES... How does one break though them. I want to do this, I want to get though all my fences. So I guess I start out with the small ones and work my way though them.. I just pray that God leads me the right way. I pray that my heart and mind will listen to him and make changes.
This is my journey and I have to live how God would wants me to. I have to live wide open and not be afraid of what God hands me.