Christmas....

So today... it is me and the parents... what are we doing.. nothing... I am feeling like a mess.. wait I am a mess.. I cried from the moment I dropped William off until I got home. This by far is the hardest day of my life. I know William was feeling it, even though I tried really hard not to let him see me crying. I love him so much and so thankful that God saw it fit to give me him. There are so many things running though my head.. and heart.. It is my heart that is hurting... My head is telling me everything is going to be ok.. but i tend to listen to my heart first.. I know that God is right here right now! He is the reason why I can make it though this day!

I have the greatest friends and family ever! I love them so much.. I love that they love me and are praying for me.. It means the world to me just known that God has put people in my life who can just love me where I am and that give me comfort to know that they are loving.. Thanks to you my friends.. for you are the reason why I can still smile though the pain and mess in my life.. I Love you all... May you have a blessed Christmas!!

Falling ....... waiting.....

I have never felt so lost and confused than I do now. In on hand I am so blessed to have a son who loves me, friends and family who would do anything for me.. Blessed.. in the other hand.. a mess. My life isn't... well pretty.. I am confused, lost and falling out of control in my heart. I am not in the Christmas spirit, honestly I didn't even want to be "Santa" this year. I have known for several weeks that William would be with his dad on Christmas, and I was ok with that until the last couple weeks. I have never been away from William on a holiday ever! This is my life now and I have to deal with it, but I have to be honest I am struggling. I feel like I am falling, falling from this life. I know that God is there to catch me when I hit the bottom, or maybe he is holding me in the fall. I am clinging on to him for than ever. God is strength right now, I am leaning hard on him. I am listening, trying not to take control, letting God lead me. I want to find my strength again, I don't want to cry every time I think about the next few days. I am so blessed to have so many friends who are praying for me, inviting me to hang out with them. And all I want to do is stay in bed and pout, cry, pray, listen. Yes, I know I need to be with family and friends.. and I will be. I have never felt like this, this is a new feeling for me. I believe this is all God wanting me to put all my faith and trust in him. I so bad want to do that too, but it is hard to do so when i like to try and control this life of mine. No matter how hard I try, God lets me know that it his his job and I need to trust him. How I let go and enjoy this time with my son, with out thinking about the next couple days. I know I can do it, just very hard to let go of the feeling I am having. Jesus is who I need to be celebrating, not the struggle going on in my heart. Oh sweet Jesus please help me let go and believe that though you anything can happen.

Father, God, please catch me i want to stop falling and start standing. Father, hold me show me that i can get though this and that Your son is the reason that we celebrate Christmas. Help me get past my selfish ways and focus on you and the new life you have giving me. God, thank you for loving me when i have not loved you back. thank you for showing me that no matter what happens you are in control and love me no matter what is going on. Father, restore my faith, help me to grow in my journey. God, thank you for all my friends and family, bless them. I am so thankful for them! Amen!

Blessings to you my friends, Merry Christmas ( this is the first time I have wished anyone this)

Blessed by God,

Marianne