Struggling.....

I wish there was an easy button to deal with the pain I have in my heart right now. Its been almost two weeks sense the unexpected break up and I still have pain and heartache. I still have no answers and I never will. That is what hurts the most is that I have no reason for this to have happened. I know things were hard, but it can't be perfect all the time. I don't know how to heal for this. Its hard to close a chapter of your life if you don't know what went wrong. I am afraid to date for fear that the next guy will do the something. Though I do feel I am much better with out him then with him. The heartache is still there. There are some days I don't think about him at all.. there are others that he is on my mind a lot. I have more days then bad because I know that God has the perfect man of there for me. I just don't want to repeat what I am going though now. It sucks!! Just putting it out there.. never in my life have I ever struggled over a break up as I have this one. Maybe its the because I really truly loved him, and believe that we were going to be together forever. But looking back what I loved was the lie, the lie that was going to be my dream to stay home to be a mom and wife... the lie that money would never be an issue.. the lie that he loved me .. the lie that there was money coming... It sucks!!
I am thankful that this happened now and not when I married a lie. I am thankful that my son is happier now and that our relationship is better then it was. I am thankful that I have a wonderful family and church family and friends. I am thankful that God is healing my heart, though it maybe slow healing, it is healing. There have been many tears over the last couple weeks, though he is worth the tears, the tears need to be shed to heal. God is crying with me because I feel that he had given me signs way before this happened but I didn't want to hear them because i was in love... God though let me do this but was always was right there never far from me. More then ever i am hanging on to God and listening more. I took control over my life instead of letting God do it.. I now know that I shouldn't to it... but I am sure that it will happen again.. Why is it hard sometimes to let God take the control and not question him. Is it because we think we know what is right or is it because we don't always what to hear what God is saying. Whatever the case maybe I am glad that God is there to help pick the pieces up and hold us again.
To say that I am scared to date again wouldn't be a lie.. I am very scared to even think about it. I am scared to be hurt again. I am scared that I make the wrong choice.. Though when I do decided that I am truly ready I have decided that things will go really slow.. and no man is going to meet my angel boy until I know that he is the one for me. So that means that whom ever I date will only get to see me every other weekend for a while and he has to be ok with that. Time heals all wounds and that is what I need is time... I am ready to move on and heal... Its the time thing that I hate about it... but time is what I need right now...