Best friends

We all have best friends who we tell everything too and you never run out of things to talk about.. oh the ones who will let you talk and not say a word.. the best friend who knows right when to say the right thing.. to make you feel special.. I have lots of close friends that know alot about me and my life.. But you always have that one who you know with out a doubt you can always go to and they will love you support you and listen with out question.. I am bless to have that.. Its the best feeling to know that when we talk i have 100% of them... I love it!! its the best feeling. When I needed him the most he was there.. He helped me though a rough week and weekend! I am so grateful to him and for his support.. We have talked no less then 3 hours a night in the last week. you would think that we would run out of things to talk about.. but we don't.. I love it!! And when there is a quiet moment its ok.. because we have connected on a deeper level.. nothing is off limits when we talk.. and i mean nothing.. God works in ways that I can't even think about.. and he had a plan to put us together and become friends.. best friends.. I know when I started a relationship with someone, he was upset, but he stayed my friend and we still chatted.. God had a plan and still has a plan for us.. Though I don't know what it is or will be.. I am excited for what can or will happen. Do you have a best friend that you can share everything with and know that they are there no matter what.. I do, and I am truly blessed that he is in my life!!

Prayer

Today in Sunday School we talked about prayer. I wish we had more time to talk about it. I love just to talk about how others pray and what they pray about. How do you pray? what do you pray about? Do you pray differently for non- Christians? When you pray do you always ask and never thank?

People pray in different ways, forms, times of day. I thought I would share how I pray and when I pray. When I pray I normally do in my car cause that seems to work for me. Somedays though i talk to God all day. I love to just tell God whats on my mind even though I know he knows, it makes me feel. I wonder if some days he says, Marianne really could you just stop long enough for me to answer just one thing. I sometimes have a hard time listening to God, because i think what I have to say is far more important then what God has to say. Then there are days that i listen. I open my eyes more look around more. God answers prayers in ways that you may not even know he can. When I pray/talk to God sometimes I do nothing but ask for this or that. God can you help me with this, God i don't get this. And I never thank God for what he has done for me, his unconditional love for me, for everything in my life. I am far from good at prayer, but I k now God doesn't care if it is pretty, or worded right. All he cares about is if you are trusting him letting him control your life. There have been times in my life where I have wanted the control and have taken ( or at least i have taken it) and i have stopped talking to God and doing what ever i felt like. Then when things don't go as planned i blame God because after all he is control of me. But that isn't the case at all it that i didn't trust him enough to give up the control to him. In the last few months I have given God control and have let him lead me. Have i asked questions of God, have i wondered if letting God control my life plan, have i been unsure of what will happen next. YES I have, but it has done something to me it has made me look at what is going on around me. I am so truly blessed with a family that loves me no matter how upset they or I make them. They have got my back and are willing at a moments notice to pick up the pieces and help me put them back together. I have a son who with out a question loves me, and is the most important person in my life right next to God. I have a wonderful church family who supports me and loves me as I am no matter my faults. I have friends who support me and only want the best for me. I amazing man in my life that understands that i am not perfect and my life hasn't been easy, and wants to love me like i should be loved. And his wonderful family who have blessed me and supported me from day one! I am so blessed to have some any in my life. I know that God is in control and I am going to thank him each and everyday for all he has given me will give and has done for me. I may ask and ask when i pray, but now i am going to thank God. I love when my relationship grows with God it makes me want to dive in and soak up every word he is saying to. I want to live like he wants me to live. I am blessed and have never felt like i am going the right direction. But I feel i am moving up that big mountain coming out of a deep valley. Praising and Thanking God each and every step. Thank you God for teaching me that given you control and trusting you makes life so much more sweeter..

Struggling

Struggling...
Today I am having a hard time, today William goes to his dads for two weeks, today I am missing them. All I want is to be with my loves. I never thought that I would ever be going though what I am going through. Divorce sucks! Having to share my son sucks! Missing someone you love sucks! Missing family you have grown so close to and love sucks! So today I struggle with a sad heart that wants nothing more then to be with the ones I love.

Why is it that life is s struggle? Why is it we miss someone so much that you feel lost when you are not with them? Struggling...... God works in amazing ways that I can't explain. I put all my trust in him Known that what ever the plan I trust God. God is in the drivers seat he knows what why i am struggling today, he is teaching me in this struggle. Though I may not like it and hate all the feelings I have going on He is very much in control. Waiting for God to lead me.

In other news......
There is this amazing family in my life that I have totally falling in love with. One amazing man that never ceases to make me smile! Two amazing women who have quickly become my best friend and sisters. And a super sweet 8 year old who I adore. I am so very happy to have them in my life! I have never felt so welcomed in a family so loved from the very start. The talks we have the tears the flow the love that grows deeper.. All Gods work!! God has placed this family into my life for this very reason to grow old together! To experience life together! I feel like I am dreaming, and any second i am going to wake up and realize that this didn't happen. For my sake I hope i never wake up!! I am completely happy and in love! It has been a long long time that I have felt this way! I can't wait to see what the future holds! God is good!!!

Emotions

It has been a week filled with every emotion one could have! God seems to know right when to make things messy and clear them up fast. I am so amazed at how God never lets me feel down for long.

If you would have talked to me on Monday night I was upset, disappointed, unsure, and angry. I felt as though God was telling me that I was this awful person who didn't deserve anything. I was done, done with everything around me. With out going into alot of detail, I felt like the black sheep of my family on Monday. I thought that I was disliked and maybe even hated by some. I cried because I was being judge by the ones who are to love me though thick and thin. Then I started to look around me.. My family is amazing. i have the best parents any girl could ask for yes we don't always get along, but I would be homeless and lost with out them. My siblings all 3 of them have been nothing but supportive in my journey though life. God has blessed me with them. And known that though my faults my family will always love me. No one has the right to judge me, because when the day comes that I get to meet God He will judge me for my life, and I will have to answer to him!
SO that was Monday right!
Tuesday... amazing!! That is the only to put it! God blessed me and I can't wait to see what happens!! I am so excited for what is to come, what will happen, how things are going to go.. I am bless to have met an amazing family! They have welcomed me in just a short time of knowing them! I am so excited that I am at a lost of words. I can't believe that this is happening!! Sharing little details because things are so new. But in time you will get to hear more and more about this wonderful family! God holds the key to the future and not matter what happens i have met 3 wonderful people who will always be in my life!! I am blessed. OUR GOD WORKS IN WAYS I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE!!

To caring...to something

Is is possible to be to caring? Is it possible to fee like you are always left out? Because that is how I am feeling right this min! I can't help but feel that way in everything I do. From my family, to work. You name it I am feeling it right now! I pray it is a just me feeling like I need a pity party, but at this moment I am done. I can't seem to get it out of my head, I feel like God is trying to teach me something, but I am not listening or watching because I am in a place where I don't want to. I hate this feeling I can't seem to get rid of it. I just want to run to a place where I can be free of all the crap going on. I know that isn't possible because well I have a cute kiddo to love on and no money! But that isn't the point! The point is that God has taken me to this place for a reason, though I don't know what it is yet, I am sure that I will soon find out! I just need to listen, watch.. and STOP having a pity party. Happy things are happening in my family and I should be excited and happy too. Part of me is but a huge part isn't. I want so bad to just be who i was a few years ago, but that i guess isn't going to happen. I need to find a new me. The new me is.... i don't know.. I would love to know now, but because I am having a pity party I am lost. I think i have sad this before i am tired of acting happy when I am not. I am tired of everything! No matter how hard to just be who God wants me to be right now, I can't. I want to be someone different. Someone who isn't going though a pity party. Someone who is lost. Someone who feels like she is wanted. Someone who isn't easily pissed at her co workers. I want to be the person who loves no matter what is going on.. someone who is happy with all the things around. Someone who can handle being left out. Someone who is strong enough to stand up for what she wants to say. But I am not yet there. God's plan is working I just need to believe in it! But how do i do that when I feel like i am alone in everything i do? God is working in my heart he is making it over again, making it what is should be! I know that in time I will be that person he wants me to be. God never fails me! I have to trust that his work is going on in me and I am faithful enough to trust him.
Oh God heal me! Make me who you want me to be! You are the reason I have faith! I want to be loving, caring, understanding, happy, truthful. I know that it will happen! I have to just listen, watch, and have faith. If life were easy then my feelings, thoughts, and heart would never be hurting, right?!?! SO God here I am weak, tired, lost; I am yours hold me, teach me.

DONE!!!!!

I am done! Done with people, done with this divorce, just done with everything! Well, maybe not everything.. just some things. I am at the end of my rope and I need a break with life. Is that even possible?! I know that God is not done with me yet and wants me to continue on with this struggle that is going on inside me. I am trying to sing my lifesong everyday, but it seems to be getting harder everyday. Is it God testing me on my faithfulness to him?! Am I not listening to him and only worried about me and my wants/needs? My emotions are all over the place and to be honest it sucks and hard to deal with. Most days I am a happy go lucky kinda a gal, very positive always. But as of late that is not the case, putting up an this face and saying life is grand and I am doing well, when I am not at all! On the inside I am hurting, confused, unsure, LOST. I want so much to be happy again and to love everyone like they should be loved, but I can't find it in me to do so. I only want what I want, and that isn't right. I have never being an all about me girl. But I wonder if it is happening because of the shit that is going on around me?! Yes, I did cuss.. sorry..
There is plenty to be excited about in my life. For example my wonderful brother is getting married to an awesome woman, I should be over joyed by this, and I am in a way but it hurts known that I am now the only single one in the family! I love my brother and awesome woman with all my heart, but I am having a hard time being excited for what is the happiest time in their life, and in our families life! I want so bad to just let it go and be excited, but part of me hates to see them happy because it makes me think about my failed marriage. The last thing I ever thought in the whole world was that I would be getting a divorce and being a single mom! I have prayed so hard about how this happened and why, but God has the right plan for me! Though right now in the middle/beginning of a divorce I can't see that. I am focused on one thing getting though this divorce and coming out on the other end whole and happy. God is in control and I just need to trust him. Listen, I have felt like my faith could be stronger, but I think that I am growing right now in this hardest part of my life so far! So for brother and awesome woman I love you and please know that even though I am going though crap, I am very excited that God has put you together to love each other and be together forever! God's plans are always not clear to us, and we just have to have faith and believe that what is happening in life.. well that is the plan!

I am so blessed with my friends and family, I just wish I could be so emotion about things. I want to be the old me again.. I want to find that. I want to be happy, positive always, not caring what others think about me. Is that even possible? I know that it is, I have had it once before. I want to give it to God, but I also want to keep it so that I can feel sorry for myself. Nope, I am going to give to God, he is the one who takes care of me, he is the one who loves me when I don't think I am lovable. God is always there when I think no one else is. He is my rock and I need to hold on to him tight and always. So today I am going to sing my lifesong, because God have given it to me to sing. Though pain, hurt, confused I will sing and sing loud for my God! So if you see me ask me are you sing the lifesing loud today?!?! Thanks for all you love, support, and prayers! You my friends are the reason I make it though each and everyday!!

Christmas....

So today... it is me and the parents... what are we doing.. nothing... I am feeling like a mess.. wait I am a mess.. I cried from the moment I dropped William off until I got home. This by far is the hardest day of my life. I know William was feeling it, even though I tried really hard not to let him see me crying. I love him so much and so thankful that God saw it fit to give me him. There are so many things running though my head.. and heart.. It is my heart that is hurting... My head is telling me everything is going to be ok.. but i tend to listen to my heart first.. I know that God is right here right now! He is the reason why I can make it though this day!

I have the greatest friends and family ever! I love them so much.. I love that they love me and are praying for me.. It means the world to me just known that God has put people in my life who can just love me where I am and that give me comfort to know that they are loving.. Thanks to you my friends.. for you are the reason why I can still smile though the pain and mess in my life.. I Love you all... May you have a blessed Christmas!!

Falling ....... waiting.....

I have never felt so lost and confused than I do now. In on hand I am so blessed to have a son who loves me, friends and family who would do anything for me.. Blessed.. in the other hand.. a mess. My life isn't... well pretty.. I am confused, lost and falling out of control in my heart. I am not in the Christmas spirit, honestly I didn't even want to be "Santa" this year. I have known for several weeks that William would be with his dad on Christmas, and I was ok with that until the last couple weeks. I have never been away from William on a holiday ever! This is my life now and I have to deal with it, but I have to be honest I am struggling. I feel like I am falling, falling from this life. I know that God is there to catch me when I hit the bottom, or maybe he is holding me in the fall. I am clinging on to him for than ever. God is strength right now, I am leaning hard on him. I am listening, trying not to take control, letting God lead me. I want to find my strength again, I don't want to cry every time I think about the next few days. I am so blessed to have so many friends who are praying for me, inviting me to hang out with them. And all I want to do is stay in bed and pout, cry, pray, listen. Yes, I know I need to be with family and friends.. and I will be. I have never felt like this, this is a new feeling for me. I believe this is all God wanting me to put all my faith and trust in him. I so bad want to do that too, but it is hard to do so when i like to try and control this life of mine. No matter how hard I try, God lets me know that it his his job and I need to trust him. How I let go and enjoy this time with my son, with out thinking about the next couple days. I know I can do it, just very hard to let go of the feeling I am having. Jesus is who I need to be celebrating, not the struggle going on in my heart. Oh sweet Jesus please help me let go and believe that though you anything can happen.

Father, God, please catch me i want to stop falling and start standing. Father, hold me show me that i can get though this and that Your son is the reason that we celebrate Christmas. Help me get past my selfish ways and focus on you and the new life you have giving me. God, thank you for loving me when i have not loved you back. thank you for showing me that no matter what happens you are in control and love me no matter what is going on. Father, restore my faith, help me to grow in my journey. God, thank you for all my friends and family, bless them. I am so thankful for them! Amen!

Blessings to you my friends, Merry Christmas ( this is the first time I have wished anyone this)

Blessed by God,

Marianne

Struggling......

I just need to get my thoughts and feeling out of my head.... so it maybe a mess to understand.. just fyi!

Struggling... with life... struggling with people that leave me out.. struggling with not judging them... stuggling with not being in the middle of something... struggling with making the right choice.. struggling with everything!!!

How do I stop this? Can I stop struggling? Is this a test? Do I not have enought faith in God? Why am I judging others? UGHH.. so many questions and not many answers!!

Today I am lost, I have prayed today, I have listened.. i think...

Why am I judging others when i have no right to? I try not to because I don't like it when others judge me! Am I jealous because they have something I don't or because I don't do what they do?
I don't know what it is, but I know I need to stop! I hate myself when I do it, and I feel very guilty after I judge them. I pray for forgiviness, and after I do I feel better, but I just can't stop judging today. I hate hate hate it! Struggling..... God help me, help me to stop, help me to love these persons and not judge them for what ever reason.

Struggling... I know I am not alone. I know that there are others who are struggling too. God help me help them to trust you more! Let us slow down to listen to you, to look for your answers. Life is going to be a stuggle if we don't have that faith in the one who struggles with us! Thank you God for everything even when i am struggling, you know the answers and the plan, I just need to have faith. Faith that is ever going strong in you.

Praising God for all things big and small.. for my beautiful son, for my friends who love me even when I am hard to love, for the thank yous from the the kids at school, for the peeks of sun, and for struggling.. With God all things are possible!

Even though I am struggling tonight.. I am thankful that God never ever is far away feeling what I am feeling!

On the outside looking in.....

That's right, always on the outside looking in... at work, church, friends or family.. whatever it is that is how i find myself. It never fails and to be honest is SUCKS!! Why? That is what I want to know, why? I think that I am a great friend, I am trustworthy, honest and caring plus more.... I never try to be someone I am not, never have and never will. I am who i am because that is how my God wants me. And I try not to get worked up over it but today it have boiled up inside me, and no matter how hard I try it won't go away. Maybe this happens because I don't go out, or because I think I am to old to to things or because I know that I have a family. So what ever the case it SUCKS!!!

See back in november I learn that life moves to fast and we need to stop and slow down. And i have slowed down... in other words i have joined the slow club. It has opened my eyes to see things that I would never see. My life isn't always wonderful, but when I take things slow my life is wonderful. So why do I feel left out? Is it God teaching me something or is it I am reading into things that are not there. I don't know what the answer is but it has me leaning on God... Looking for answers wondering what the net step is.. I love my co workers, friends, family, and church family.

You see the important things in life are not if you fit in or being upset because you are being left out, but to have faith in the one who made you, who loves you even if you don't feel like you don't fit in. In his eyes you fit in right where you are.God is always testing you in you faith or maybe it is satan testing you. So who ever is testing you it builds you in your faith and teaches you that God never fails you ever!!! Yes it hurts not to feel like you don't fit in but God never makes you feel un-welcomed.

So I do fit in.. It may not be clear to me all the time. I fit in with the one who loves me always.. and I am so thankful for that.. I have a loving God and he is always faithful... and that is all I need to fit in....

Long time no blog....

So it has been forever.... So I thought that I would try this again. We shall see what happens.

life... an update???

So I thought I would update you all on my lunch with Nicole. It went well, and of course it was just like all the other times we were together... our chat was nothing deep but very general. I didn't cry when I left, and I think that it is because I am over it or very unemotional (wow that is a big word). Anyways I have not heard from her and I don't think that I will for a while I am guessing.. Moving on, Duane and I have decided that we are ready for another little Lloyd running around. I think that the next baby will be that last one.. 2 sounds good. We are ready to get out of my parents house too, but in order to do that I will have to get a full time job. And I am ok with that. So now I just have to find the right job that will pay me enough to put William in daycare, and still have money left over to pay bills.
In other news... Youth has started up again and I am excited about the new year and a new youth pastor. What an exciting time!!
Wednesday nights have started up.. or SOUP and I am in a class the fist time in about... oh ever!!! And I am enjoying it. I have learned a lot about me. It is nice to beable to do something for me and not have a 3 year old there distracting me.
I think that I am done rambling on.. Next time hopefully I will have more to say.

hmmmmm......

So in a matter of days my best friend of 26 plus years is moving to a different state. I thought that I was ok with it because we have grown apart the last few years. But deep down inside I don't want her to move. As I sit here I can't stop thinking about how my life hasn't changed all that much,well ok it has a little, but to me it hasn't. I am in the same town I grow up in and it doesn't look like I will ever be moving out of it. This is not what I had planned for my life. I had big dreams of getting my education and teaching and having a big family and not to worry about how I am going to pay a bill. I guess part of my dram has come true I have a family thou it isn't as big as I hoped but I am ok with it. My dream wasn't what God plan was, and I am having a hard time excepting it. I want God to be in control but why is it that when things don't go the way you want the first thing you think is God why are you doing this to me? I have said that a number of times in my life and I sit here saying it now. Why? I don't know, but it is hard not to just wait and see what God is doing in my life. I know that he is making the perfect person in his eyes, but why don't I like what I am going though to became the person he wants me to be? Is it life's lessons, or is God trying to teach me something important and I am not listening. OOPS I think that I got off the subject.... Sorry.. anyways.. So Nicole, my friend, and I are going to lunch next Monday for the last time for a while. There are so many things that I was to say to her, but I don't want to leave on bad note.. I should just tell her what is on my heart and pray that she understands what I am saying... Much easier said than done!! So by now you are all saying to yourself the women needs help, right? Well, I don't need help just some prayers that I can better understand what God is telling me, and that I can find comfort in his word. Thanks for reading... God bless you all!!

do you speak english

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

10% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

5% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

sorry for the lack of updating

So life has been crazy the last few months... that is why I have not updated... So just a little overview of what has been happening... Starting in June.. Duane, William and I moved in with my parents.. why you ask..well.. We could no longer afford to do it on one income..so we decided that we needed to move in with someone so that we could get our bills paid off..so we are doing that now and things are looking up for us... than my dad had knee replacment surgery and he is recovering from that very well. July was another crazy month.. my sister, Joy, becam very ill and was put in the hospital for about 4 days. it was decided that the meds. that she was on was making her sick.. she had lost 23 pounds and her white blood cell count was 2800... but now she is doing much better and is back to her old self... Than William turned 3 Aug. 2 ... he is getting so big.. I took him to the doctor today and he is 34lbs and 40 inches tall. He has come a long way from that 4lbs 2ozs baby.... So I think that I have updated everything that I can think of.... Oh William has his own blog .. check it out.... www.williamlloyd.blogspot.com.. I hope to have birthday pictures up soon...

Friday, April 14, 2006

Who am I

So yesterday I was watching Oprah. And she had 4 woman on that had lost who they were. As I was watching I thought to myself... "Who am I" ... And my first thought was I am a mom, a wife, sister, daughter... I could go on.. But that is not really who I am.. There titles that I have gotten. So who am I? Yep I have no idea. It is hard to think about myself. I put everyone that I love first before myself. Is this the right thinks to do? Some would say yes others would say no. I say... Well I am sure that I should put myself first, but I don't know how. I am sure I use to when I was single and only had to think about ME. So how does one put themselves first before all others? Hmm... I don't know what the answer is? Do I take time away from William and Duane to make time for me? It is hard to even think that taking time away from them is even right. I do feel like that I have lost who I am, but I am not sure how to find myself.. I am sure it won't happen over night like I would like. So I will take one day at a time.. So today is day 1.. So step one would be to find time for me.. Not matter what right? So is this the time I have my flogging? Or is it something like taking a shower without anyone coming in and asking me questions? I just don't know. So for the next few days, weeks, months I will be trying to find out who I am.
So just a couple questions that were also asked or stated to these women
1) What's the one thing missing in my life?
2) When I was born, what was the plan for my life?

Ok so as I written down these questions I thought to myself only God knows that the plan is for my life. So how can I answer that question? If God is in charge of my life than why would I want to change the plan or even know what it is? Isn't that what makes life exciting and unknown? So what do you think? Your thoughts? Leave a comment...
Have a great Easter!!
Love,
me

Connected to whom??

Not much to report.. It has been a slow week. And I am very happy for that.
So I have been pondering a feel things in my head and I thought I would share them..
First, how can you feel so connected to someone for a while and than all of a sudden not even feel like they even care about you? Is this even possible? Maybe it is because they have moved on with there life and are busy or is it that I have moved on? I wish I could answer these questions but I can't. I try to figure it out but the more I think about the more I don't understand. I haven't listen to God about this, so I have no idea if he is even trying to tell me anything. I am so wrapped up in not been connected to these persons that I can't anything around me. How so I stop this? Take a time out from everything and just listen and pray, is that the answer? Or maybe I am being selfish and want them to make me a part of there life? But that isn't possible because they don't live here. Or maybe I am over reacting, and our connection hasn't changed. But as I sit here I am thinking that if I am so worried about my connection with friends, what is my connection with God like? hmmm.. The more I type that more I am thinking that I need to work on me and God ... My journey... It is amazing to me that when I starting typing everything is made so clear to me.. Is it God telling me to stop and work on what is important... ME....

So if I have confused any of you sorry.. But I now understand better what I need to do.. Thanks for reading.. Comments are always welcome...

100

So today was my great grandma's 100th birthday. She had no clue it was her birthday. And she didn't know that she was 100. It is amazing to me that I know someone that is 100. But she is in really bad shape. She weights maybe 60 pounds. She really doesn't look like my great grandma. Well at least the one I use to know. And that is how I choose to remember her and a women that knew everyone and loved them no matter what. I know that when God decides to take her home. She will be that person I use to know. That is all for know, I am blessed to have a family that has 5 generations. And I am blessed to be apart of it!!

How to Listen to God?

So the last few weeks have been stressful. I never thought that I would ever have to deal with anyone in my family having breast cancer. BUT I am! My grandma has breast cancer. Yesterday she had surgery. They took her whole breast and four or more lymphnodes ( I can't spell medical words). It is unclear if the cancer has moved anywhere else in her body.
So the last few weeks I can't tell you how many times I have told God that this can't happen to my grandma let alone to my family. But though it all God has been there. I know that God is trying to teach me something. I have to admit I am not the best at listening to God when I am blaming him for what is going on. I have yet to figure that I should be blaming God that I should just listen to him and so as he says. SO I did that yesterday. I wasn't going to go to the hospital, but I felt like God was telling to go and be with my mom and grandpa. I am glad that I was there. My mom needed my shoulder to cry on and I was able to let her do that. Though all this my mom has been strong and yesterday she couldn't so my oldest sister and I were strong for her! The more I type the more I think that none of this makes sense. But maybe it does. It is just a lot of thoughts that I have had and needed to get the out somewhere. I just praise God that he is able to hold my family in his arms right not and that no matter what happens he will be there for us. Though I can't not see him I know that he is standing right beside me. Thank you, God for all that you have done for me and my family. I love you God!!